


The End of Infinity

by mybuckystar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dealing With Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, I definitely incorporated a bit of the Poe Dameron comics into this, I never said this was a happy fic, If y'all have been reading my shit long enough you'll know i write angst and little else, M/M, Mild Smut, Not really slowburn but a little bit, Post TLJ, Suicidal Thoughts, headcanons galore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-06-29 08:26:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 35,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15725661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mybuckystar/pseuds/mybuckystar
Summary: The evacuation of D’Qar and the events that followed have left the Resistance shaken to their core. In the aftermath, two lonely and traumatized souls find comfort and escape in each other, each longing – but never daring to hope – for more.





	1. Pillow Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Last of the Real Ones by Fall Out Boy

Poe hadn’t slept since before Jakku. So much had happened in those few days, he hadn’t had a chance. He’d been running on adrenaline since escaping the _Finalizer._ And now that it was quiet, or as quiet as it could be with so many people crammed onto a light freighter, it was all beginning to catch up with him. 

Staring across the holochess table at Finn, he could tell he wasn’t the only one running on fumes. He wasn’t sure if Finn had had any time to sleep since fleeing the First Order, apart from that brief stint in a coma, but Poe didn’t think that counted as rest.

Everyone in the Resistance was tired, you could feel it leaking through the ship like smoke. But the two of them were absolutely ragged. They both sat with their elbows on the table, chins in hands, staring vaguely at nothing in particular.

“You two look dead on your feet.”

Poe looked up. Leia stood in front of them, leaning on her walking stick.

“When was the last time either of you slept?” she asked.

“Honestly?” Finn said. “I have no idea.”

“Does being stunned count?” Poe said.

Leia gave him a look.

“Get some rest. Both of you,” she said. “Things are going to be in limbo for a little while. We’ll need everyone at one hundred percent when we figure out where to go. The private barracks are down that hall. I’ll make sure no one disturbs you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Finn.

He stood and started down the hall. Poe stood to follow him, but Leia grabbed his arm.

“I just want you to know,” she said. “You did good today, Poe.”

Poe smiled a little.

“Thanks.”

“Now get some sleep.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Leia smiled at him, then turned and left. Poe turned and followed Finn down the hall. When he reached the quarters Leia had mentioned, Finn was already inside. Poe closed the door and glanced around.

“So,” Finn said. “There’s only one bed.”

“I’m okay with it if you are,” said Poe.

“I’m way too tired to care. I’d sleep in a cupboard if I had to.”

Poe laughed and kicked off his boots, then shrugged off his jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair.

“Well, in that case,” he said, gesturing to the bed. “After you.”

Finn pulled off his boots and climbed under the blankets. Poe followed, leaving a respectful few inches between then, though it put him dangerously close to the edge. There was an awkward minute as the two of them got adjusted, shifting as much as they could in the tight space as they got themselves comfortable. Then they fell still and silent. Poe stared up at the ceiling, his sleep deprived brain annoyingly fixated on the warm space where Finn’s elbow touched his. It wasn’t that it bothered him. Quite the opposite really. If anything, he wanted to be closer. But that was what he’d left those few inches for – to keep himself from latching onto Finn like a mynock in his sleep. He glanced to his right, wondering if he should shift over even more, but if he tried, he’d end up on the floor as soon as he dozed off.

“Well… good night,” he said.

“Is it night?” Finn asked.

“It is somewhere.”

“I suppose. Good night, then.”

They fell silent again and Poe closed his eyes.

 

The next thing he knew, he was on the floor, drenched in sweat. Panting as though he’d run a mile, he untangled himself from the blankets and sat up. 

“Are you alright?”

Poe jumped and turned his head so fast he nearly got whiplash. Finn was peering down at him from the bed, looking concerned.

“What?” Poe said.

“Are you okay?” Finn asked again. “You were tossing and turning… I tried to wake you…”

Poe just stared at him for a moment. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and let out a shaky breath.

“I’m fine,” he said instinctively, though it was obvious he was lying to himself as much as Finn. “Just a dream.”

“Didn’t look like ‘just a dream’ to me,” said Finn.

“Okay, so it was a bad one. It happens, no big deal.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

Poe attempted to smile with not much success, then heaved himself to his feet. Suddenly very aware of how much he was still shaking, he sat down on the edge of the bed and took a few deep breaths.

“Seriously, Poe, are you sure you’re okay?” Finn asked. “You look like hell.”

“I’ll be fine. Really,” Poe said, turning to look at him. “I’m sorry I woke you.”   
“You didn’t. I couldn’t get to sleep.”

Poe frowned.

“Why not?”

“I’m starting to think my subconscious was scared of exactly what just happened to you.”

Poe sighed wearily and leaned back against the pillows.

“I’m with your subconscious on that one,” he said. 

“Sleep would be really nice though,” said Finn. “I’m jealous, you looked so peaceful until you started freaking out.”

“Don’t be too jealous, I feel worse than I did with no sleep at all.”

They fell silent. After a few minutes, Finn spoke.

“So… should we just go back out there? Obviously neither of us are gonna get any sleep.”

“I guess,” said Poe. “Leia’ll give us hell though.”

“Well… we could always just… hang out in here,” Finn suggested a bit sheepishly. “Nobody has to know we weren’t sleeping.”

Poe grinned.

“I like the way you think.” He turned onto his side facing Finn and propped himself up on one elbow. “So. What do we talk about? It’s not like we’ve got much to make small talk about.”

“I dunno,” said Finn. “I’ve never really gotten to just sit and talk with someone just ‘cause. There’s always been some _reason_ , something that _needs_ to be talked about.”

“Honestly, I haven’t gotten to just chat in so long that I barely know how to do it either.” 

Finn paused for a moment, thinking.

“Let’s talk about something… _anything_ other than all this. War and rebellion and all that.”

“Gladly,” Poe said with a smile. “So… um…. favorite… color…?”

He grimaced. Really? That was what he was going with? Finn raised an eyebrow at him but smiled. He didn’t answer right away, staring at the wall with a contemplative look on his face. Poe was surprised; this wasn’t usually a question that required much thought. But then again, Finn was different. Most likely, no one had ever asked him his favorite color before. 

“Blue,” Finn said at last. “Like the sky. And orange.”

“Orange?” Poe repeated.

“Yeah. Don’t know why really.”

“I like orange too. And green. It reminds me of home.”

“Where’s home?” Finn asked.

“Yavin IV. A little settlement, kind of in the middle of nowhere.”

“Do you miss it?”

“Sometimes,” said Poe. “Mostly I miss my dad. But every once in a while… I miss the quiet of it.”

Finn chuckled.

“What?” Poe said.

“Nothing, you just… don’t seem like the type to like the quiet.”

“Sometimes quiet is nice. Sometimes you need it. Can’t be in the middle of the action all the time. Even I need a break.”

“Like right now?” Finn asked.

Poe smiled.

“Yeah.”

Silence fell again. Poe couldn’t help but watch Finn, though he really wasn’t doing anything, but even that stillness drew him in like a magnet. Despite the rocky start, it was so easy talking to Finn. They’d barely known each other a few days, yet they were both completely at ease. The two of them just clicked. It was a wonderful feeling, one Poe hadn’t felt in a long time.

“So your dad’s back on Yavin IV?” Finn asked.

“Yeah.”

“What about your mother?”

“She died when I was a kid,” Poe said.

“Oh,” said Finn. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“Sorry for bringing it up.”

“Don’t be,” Poe said. “It was a long time ago. Yeah, I miss her, but… it’s just a fact about me, really. I mean, that’s what we’re doing, right? Getting to know each other better?”

“Yeah. I just didn’t expect things to get dark so fast.”

“We’ve both gone through some shit. It was bound to get dark eventually.”

Finn nodded, but he seemed subdued. Poe reached out and took his hand.

“Hey. Seriously, it’s okay. I really don’t mind talking about my mom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You don’t have to feel bad for bringing it up.”

Finn smiled a little and looked down at their hands. Poe noticed and went to draw back, but Finn caught his hand and gave it a squeeze. Poe smiled. They just sat there quietly for a long time, still holding hands. Neither of them really questioned why they hadn’t let go yet. They were both too tired, weary in every way imaginable. But somehow the feel of each other’s hand in their own was grounding. They were here. They were alive. 

Poe was just beginning to feel like he might be able to drift off again when there was a soft knock on the door. Suddenly self-conscious, Poe pulled his hand from Finn’s and rolled onto his back as the door opened and Rey stuck her head in.

“Oh, you’re both awake,” she said. “Sorry to bother you. Leia’s called a meeting.”

“Thanks, we’ll be there in a minute,” said Finn.

Rey smiled and left. Finn and Poe got wordlessly out of bed and made themselves presentable, then followed her back to the cabin.

 

***

 

The remnants of the Resistance were all gathered in the cabin, sitting or leaning on whatever space was available. Finn and Poe squeezed onto the bench at the holochess table next to Rey as Leia got to her feet and went to stand in front of them all.

“I don’t need to tell anyone here how heavy the losses we’ve suffered are,” she said. “But we will rebuild. The galaxy now knows what the First Order is capable of and, though it won’t be easy to convince them, our allies will rally to our side. But for now, we need to find a new base. I’m open to suggestions.”

One by one, people started chiming in, suggesting star systems, listing pros and cons, getting shot down. Finn could barely pay attention. Now that he wasn’t trying to sleep, his eyes didn’t want to stay open. At least it wasn’t just him. Poe was uncharacteristically silent; as Finn glanced over at him, his head jerked back up, eyes wide, as he caught himself nodding off. Finn stifled a chuckle and leaned his elbows on the table, chin in hands. 

The conversation seemed to be dragging on forever. He supposed it was to be expected, they had a massive galaxy of planets to choose from, but Finn would really like to get back to bed. He slowly started to become aware of Poe’s weight against his side and turned his head to see Poe had fallen asleep, his head drooping onto Finn’s shoulder. At first, Finn couldn’t help but smile, but then he saw the worried crease between his eyebrows and noticed his bottom lip tremble. 

Finn glanced up at Leia, who was deep in debate with one of the officers, then turned to Rey. Rey looked confused for a moment, then noticed Poe flinch in his sleep. 

“What do I do?” Finn whispered. 

“Wake him up and go,” said Rey. “I’ll explain to Leia.”

Finn nodded and gently prodded Poe until he jolted awake with a strangely quiet yelp. He glanced around, looking confused and alarmed. 

“Come on,” Finn whispered. “We’re going.”

Poe opened his mouth to respond but Finn shook his head and ushered him off the bench and out of the cabin. Once they were in the corridor, he took Poe by the arm and led him back to the room they had been in before. He closed the door and turned to Poe.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I dunno.”

Poe’s eyes were wide and he couldn’t seem to focus on any one thing, his gaze darting about the room. Finn stepped forward and took Poe’s trembling hands in his.

“Hey. Look at me,” he said. “Are you okay?”

Poe forced himself to look at Finn and his breathing seemed to steady a little. He swallowed hard.

“Did everyone see?” he asked.

“What?”

“I had a nightmare out there right in front of everybody. Did they see?”

Finn stared at him a moment, perplexed.

“No. Just me and Rey. Why does that matter?”

Poe just shrugged and looked down.

“So are you gonna tell me if you’re okay or not?” Finn asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Poe murmured. 

He let out a shaky breath and Finn was startled to see a tear fall down his cheek.

“Whoa, hey, what’s wrong?” 

Poe shrugged and shook his head. 

“I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep. But every time I try…”

Finn pulled him into a hug and Poe melted into him, burying his face in Finn’s shoulder.

“I know. Me too,” Finn said. They stood there for a moment, then Finn had an idea. “Let’s just try, okay? We have to sleep eventually.”

“It’s not gonna work,” said Poe, his voice muffled by Finn’s shoulder.

“When has that ever stopped you from doing something?”

Poe lifted his head to give him a look.

“Really?” he said. “Gonna pull _that_ card on me?”

“Damn right. Now take off your shoes and get in bed.”

The corner of Poe’s mouth twitched up a bit and he obeyed. Finn took off his own boots and followed suit. Once they were both in bed, Finn moved in closer so their bodies were right up against each other. Poe gave him a inquisitive look.

“You stopped shaking so much when I hugged you,” Finn said. “I thought maybe it’ll help with the sleeping too.”

Poe smiled a little.

“I’m willing to give it a try.”

He rolled onto his side and scooted in closer, hesitating a moment before draping his arm over Finn’s torso. Finn wrapped his arms around Poe’s shoulders and buried his face in his soft curls. 

“Thank you,” Poe said softly.

“For what?”

“Being here.”

Finn smiled and held him a little tighter.


	2. Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look i know the tags say there's kinda a teeny bit of slowburn and this chapter really doesn't make it seem like there's any slowburn whatsoever, BUUUT while this is not your tradition slowburn, i promise you that there are certain elements to this that burn very slowly indeed and y'all are just gonna have to wait and see

Poe awoke, warm and still wrapped tightly in Finn’s arms. He just lay there for a while with his eyes closed, savoring the feeling of finally being a little less exhausted. After a while, he opened his eyes and lifted his head a little to look at Finn, who was surprisingly awake.

“Didn’t you sleep?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Oh good. You had me worried for a second.”

Finn smiled.

“No nightmares?” he said.

“None. Thank you.”

“Thank _you_ ,” Finn echoed.

They fell into a comfortable silence and both could easily have fallen back asleep. But something was on Poe’s mind, a question that would surely keep him awake until he asked it.

“Finn?”

“Mmm?”

“This is gonna be a weird question.”

Finn looked at him curiously.

“What is it?” he said.

“Have you…. have you ever kissed anyone?”

There was a pause. 

“Yes,” Finn said finally.

Poe turned to look at him, surprised.

“You have?”

“Rose,” said Finn. “Well. She kissed me.”

“Oh…”

Poe’s heart sank, though he tried to hide it.

“I don’t know that it meant anything though,” Finn continued. “It was right after she saved me on Crait.”

“Why wouldn’t it have meant anything?” Poe asked.

Finn shrugged.

“I dunno. I mean… she’s my friend and I care about her, but… I don’t really feel that way about her.”

“You don’t?”

Finn shook his head.

“Oh.” Poe paused a moment. “What about Rey?”

“I’ve never kissed Rey, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Do you want to?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

“You’re acting weird,” said Finn. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m great.”

“Okay.”

They were silent for all of five seconds before Poe spoke again.

“Can I kiss you?” he blurted out.

Finn blinked.

“What?”

“Nothing. Sorry,” said Poe, blushing and going to pull away. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“You want to kiss me?”

Poe grimaced.

“A little bit, yeah.”

“Just a little bit?”

“…. Okay, a lot.”

Finn grinned.

“I want to kiss you too,” he said.

Poe stared at him.

“Then what the hell are we doing still talking about it?”

They hesitated a moment, the anxiety of a first kiss holding them back, then they both dove in, lips crashing together a little clumsily. It was brief, but they were both breathless and giggling when they broke apart.

“Was that okay?” Poe asked.

“Yeah,” said Finn. “Can we do it again?”

“Yes please.”

This time was a bit more controlled, slower and softer and longer, but still with that jittery excitement of kissing someone you’ve never kissed before. When at last they pulled away, Poe felt like he was floating, flying. It felt like too long since he had kissed someone and meant it. He honestly hadn’t expected to want it as much as he did, but now that he’d kissed Finn, it was all he wanted.

“I liked that,” Finn said in a low voice.

“Me too.”

They fell silent again, still pressed close, so close that Poe could feel Finn’s breath tickling his skin.

“We should probably go back out there,” Finn said at last.

Poe heard his own disappointment echoed in Finn’s voice. But he knew he was right. They had things to do. They were needed.

“Yeah… I guess so.”

He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He felt suddenly cold without Finn’s body up against him. He glanced back over his shoulder to where Finn still lay, looking up at him. His heart sped up and he sighed, then turned away and got up. He went to get his boots and jacket, but Finn made no effort to get up. Poe turned back to him.

“Hey, you were the one who said we should go,” he said, gesturing with his shoes still in hand.

“I know,” Finn sighed.

He got up and trudged over to where he’d left his shoes, crouching down to put them on. Poe put his own boots on and put on his jacket, then held out his hand to help Finn up. They stood there for a moment, face to face. Then Finn took Poe’s face in his hands and kissed him again, hard and needy. Poe was taken aback, but lost no time in responding. He stumbled backward a few steps, running into the wall. The door control panel dug into his back but he barely noticed, far too distracted by Finn’s lips on his, his body pinning him to the wall, his hands making their way down his torso and desperately gripping the front of his shirt. 

Poe was starting to feel a bit hot and was just wondering whether it was too soon to ask about getting a few less layers of clothing between them when Finn pulled back. Poe caught his breath a moment before opening his eyes. Finn was staring at him, pupils blown, cheeks flushed.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just…”

“Don’t be,” said Poe. “Seriously.”

“Well, uh… we should probably actually get out there this time…”

“I think I might need to splash some cold water on my face first,” Poe said, only half joking.

Finn laughed bashfully, looking down at Poe’s chest. He smoothed out the wrinkles he’d made in Poe’s shirt, his hands lingering and making Poe’s heart race. The corner of Finn’s mouth twitched up and Poe wondered if he had felt his change in heartrate. 

“Actually, I was wondering…” Poe said suddenly. “Did you maybe wanna pick this back up again later?”

Finn looked back up at him.

“I’d love to,” he said.

He wasn’t smiling, but there was an intensity in his eyes that told Poe they were on the same page, that if they didn’t have duties to attend to, he’d take Poe right here, right now, and it was honestly taking all of Poe’s self control to not make that a reality. Finn took a step back and Poe unplastered himself from the wall. They both readjusted themselves, trying their best to make it look like they hadn’t just been violently making out, then left the room.

The meeting in the main cabin had long since ended, but a number of people were still hanging around. Not that they had many other places to go. Rey was sitting at the holochess table by herself, absentmindedly fingering the broken halves of her lightsaber. Poe and Finn exchanged a look, then went to sit with her. She looked up as they slid onto the bench.

“You okay?” Finn asked.

“Yeah,” said Rey. “Just thinking.”

“Credit for your thoughts?”

Rey smiled a little and set the lightsaber aside.

“It’s nothing very interesting,” she said. “Really, I’m fine.”

“Okay.”

“What about you two?” she went on, turning her focus to Poe and giving him a very pointed look. “It’s been a couple hours, did you get any sleep this time?”

“Yeah, we both did,” said Poe. He hesitated a moment before continuing. “Did, um… did anyone notice?”

Rey shook her head.

“Leia noticed you guys slip out. I just told her you hadn’t gotten much sleep before and were nodding off. Which was partially true.”

“Thanks. Seriously, I appreciate it.”

“No problem.” 

“So the meeting, how’d that go?” Finn asked.

“Not very productively,” said Rey.

“No base yet?” said Poe.

“A few options. But it’s not easy. Most of them are old Alliance bases.”

Poe nodded knowingly.

“Don’t have to worry about setup, but it’s always possible the First Order will know it’s there and come snooping,” he said. “I know the drill. Those old bases really are the best bet though, especially with how small our numbers are right now. I get why some people are jumpy about it, but we have to weigh our options.”

“Isn’t it a bit of a risk though?” Finn said. “A lot of those old bases _are_ charted, they’re in the history books. The First Order would know of them, and they know we’re on the lam. They’re bound to check them out.”

“Yeah, but they also don’t wanna waste their time and resources,” said Poe. “So you pull a bit of a bluff. They think ‘oh, surely they wouldn’t go to _that_ base, they know we know about it’. So they don’t check it. And that’s exactly where we are.”

“So you’re saying, go to the most famous, obvious Rebel Alliance base still in existence?” Finn said incredulously.

“Pretty much, yeah.”

“Then I think I know exactly which one we should pick,” said Rey.

“Really?”

“Yavin IV. Somebody suggested it not long after you two slipped out, but they got shot down because obviously the First Order knows that base existed. _Everyone_ does. So by your logic, it’s perfect.”

“That one seems risky, even with Poe’s logic,” said Finn. “The Battle of Yavin is one of the most famous battles from the war.”

“But that’s why it’s perfect,” said Rey. “They’d never dream we’d be stupid enough to go there. Right, Poe?”

“Yeah…” Poe said distractedly.

Rey was right, of course. But if they were wrong and the First Order did come to Yavin IV, he’d be risking a lot more than the Resistance. Making their base on Yavin IV would put his father, the only family he had, in the line of fire. He shook the thought from his head. He couldn’t think about that. Having doubts wasn’t something he did, it was how he got through all this without going mad or losing hope. Their best bet was to choose an established base and to hide in plain sight. Yavin IV was exactly what they needed.

“Not everyone’s gonna like it,” he said. “But we should at least put it to a vote.”


	3. Slow Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again i must say this is an *emotional* slow burn, not a physical one lol.  
> i am generally not a fan of writing smut, but it was important to the plot so enjoy the probably one and only sex scene this fic will have

 

The debate following their proposal lasted even longer than Poe expected. He’d known people would be hard to convince. It was a massive risk, and everyone was a little gun shy about that kind of gamble at the moment. Poe couldn’t help feeling that him being one of the people to suggest it wasn’t helping matters. The last big risk he’d suggested ended with the entire bomber squad and a significant portion of the fleet dead. Nobody would say it to his face, but he knew at least some of them were thinking it. 

Eventually the conversation started going in circles and Leia called for a vote. Despite all the naysaying, they decided to make their base on Yavin IV. Poe was surprised to say the least. Another half hour was spent making a gameplan for resupplying before they went to Yavin. The Falcon needed a refuel, and they would have no supplies when they got to the base so they’d need to get at least a preliminary stock to get them through the first week. They also needed to make contact with Black Squadron to let them know where to rendezvous with the rest of the Resistance. Poe volunteered for that job. They were his squad mates after all. 

They narrowed down a few Outer Rim planets they could go for their pit stop, then Leia ended the meeting. Everyone was tired and they could make that decision later. As everyone began to disperse, Poe felt a soft nudge on his leg and turned to Finn. 

“Hey,” Finn said, smiling.

“Hey.”

“So… you’re going home.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem very happy about it.”

Poe shrugged.

“It’ll be nice to be able to see my dad again.”

“But?”

“What if I’m wrong? What if they come and…”

Finn lay a comforting hand on Poe’s knee.

“If they come, we’ll fight them,” he said.

“I know…” Poe sighed and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. “You still in the mood for what I asked about earlier?”

“I can be,” said Finn. “Though you’re the one I’m more concerned about.”

Poe turned to look at him. He placed his hand over Finn’s and slowly guided Finn’s hand up his thigh. Finn inhaled sharply, licking his lips.

“Really?” he said. “Out here?”

Poe smirked.

“No. Just… testing the waters.”

“And?”

Poe stared at Finn, hyper aware of how warm his hand felt on his inner thigh. He swallowed hard.

“Let’s go.”

They got up and left the cabin, walking once more down the hallway to the private quarters. The door had barely closed behind them before Poe pulled Finn in by the waist and kissed him hard. Finn fumbled a minute, trying to figure out what to do with his hands. After a bit of confusion, they eventually landed on Poe’s ass. Poe laughed, he couldn’t help it, and they broke out of the kiss.

“What?” Finn asked. “What did I do?”

“Sorry, I don’t even know,” Poe said, trying to stifle his laughter. “I guess I just wasn’t expecting you to cop a feel so fast.”

Finn stared at him in exasperation.

“You ask me back here for what I can only assume is sex, and you _don’t_ expect me to grab your ass?”

Poe stopped laughing and stared.

“Oh no,” said Finn. “Was I wrong? This wasn’t a sex thing?”

“What? No no no, you were right,” said Poe quickly. “I just… didn’t think you’d figured that out. I thought we were gonna make out for a bit and then I’d ask and… so you wanna have sex with me?”

Finn grinned.

“Yeah.”

Poe beamed.

“Let’s do this, then.”

He closed the gap between them and kissed Finn again. Finn’s hands slowly crept up Poe’s chest and slid his jacket off his shoulders. Poe took his hands from Finn’s waist to help take the jacket off and toss it aside. He put his hands back on Finn’s waist and began untucking his shirt, sliding his hands up underneath to touch skin. Finn’s hands were on his chest again, blindly fumbling with the front of his shirt. After a brief struggle, he pulled back.

“Okay, how the hell does this shirt even work?” he said.

Poe chuckled and unfastened his own shirt, letting it fall open. Finn bit his lip, watching his own fingers as he traced them along Poe’s bare chest, lingering for a moment on an old scar along his ribs. Then he pushed the shirt down Poe’s shoulders and threw it to the floor with his jacket. Goosebumps ran up Poe’s arms at the sudden exposure to the cool air. 

Poe reached out and finished untucking Finn’s shirt, slowly lifting the edges of the fabric. When he got high enough, Finn lifted his arms so Poe could pull the shirt off over his head. He let it fall to the floor, soaking in every line of Finn’s body, from his outrageously defined biceps to the spiky scar on his shoulder, courtesy of Kylo Ren. Poe slid his arms around Finn’s waist, his hands laid flat against his back. He could feel the other scar under his palms as he pulled Finn closer until they were pressed together, skin against skin. 

Their eyes met. For a while they just stood there, hearts pounding in a syncopated rhythm, bodies practically quivering with anticipation. Poe wanted this, to touch and feel Finn, to escape in a flurry of need and lust. So why was he hesitating?

“We’re not rushing this, are we?” he said suddenly.

Finn looked surprised.

“It was your idea. Technically.”

“I know. I just…”

“You want this, don’t you?” Finn asked.

“Yeah.”

“So do I.”

“Right. Sorry. Being stupid.”

Finn smiled and leaned in until their noses touched.

“Not stupid,” he said. “Kinda sweet, actually.”

He kissed Poe, tantalizingly slow. Poe melted into it, turning the kiss desperate. What had he been thinking, second guessing this? He didn’t just want this, he _needed_ it. Still glued together, they staggered backwards toward the bed. The back of Finn’s legs hit the edge of the bed, knocking his knees out from under him and forcing him to sit. The sudden change of position didn’t jar them at all; Finn simply tilted back his head so he could still reach Poe’s lips, spreading his legs so Poe could stand between them. 

They stayed like this for a while, just kissing. Finn wrapped his legs around Poe and pulled him closer. Poe gasped at the sudden friction, now very aware of just how hard both of them were. He rolled his hips, desperate for more of that feeling. Suddenly Finn’s hands were busy at his waistline, unbuckling his belt. He undid the button and zipper, then started to slide Poe’s pants down. Poe reached down to help, then went to work on Finn’s pants. 

When at last they were both naked, they broke the kiss. Both of them were breathless, faces flushed. Poe leaned in and kissed Finn again, first on the lips, then moving down to his jaw. He paused on his neck, taking a moment to suck gently at his pulse and being rewarded by a soft moan, then slowly continued his journey downward. Finn’s body was smooth and warm beneath his lips. When at last he made it to the base of Finn’s torso, he knelt down and looked up. Finn was watching him with wide eyes, lips parted and still plump and wet from kissing Poe. 

Poe smiled and put his hands on Finn’s hips to make sure he wouldn’t move them. Then he slowly began to tease him with his mouth, never breaking eye contact. Finn bit his lip, his breathing ragged. When at last Poe took him into his mouth, Finn let out a moan. Poe slid back off.

“Shh, people will hear,” he said.

“Sorry,” Finn panted.

Poe grinned.

“I don’t mind, but they might.”

“I’ll try to keep it together.”

Poe took him in his mouth again and slowly began to move. Finn gripped the blankets, clearly using all his self control not to make a sound. Poe smiled around his cock. He removed one of his hands from Finn’s hip and lifted Finn’s hand from the blankets, moving it to his head. Finn immediately latched on, fingers tangling into Poe’s curls and tugging, perhaps a little harder than he meant to. Poe winced a little, but it was a good kind of pain, one that illicitted a muffled hum from the back of his throat, which sent Finn wild. Poe had to put his hand back on Finn’s hip to keep him from bucking up and choking him.

Eventually, Poe could tell that Finn was getting close. His grip on Poe’s hair was damn near desperate and he could barely hold back the noises fighting to escape him. Poe massaged Finn’s hips encouragingly, urging him on until at last Finn broke, unable to stop himself from moaning as he came. Poe slid off him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked up at Finn and smiled. His head was thrown back, eyes closed, a look of pure bliss on his face. Poe pressed a kiss to Finn’s stomach, retracing his steps back up until their lips met. He kissed him briefly, then pulled back, hovering over him.

“You were so good,” he breathed, gently kissing his cheek. “So good.”

“Shit…” Finn gasped as he finally caught his breath. “That was amazing.”

Poe smiled against his cheek.

“I’m glad you liked it.”

“I loved it.”

Finn wrapped his legs around him again and pulled Poe down so he was practically lying on top of him. He slid his hands down Poe’s body then stopped to cup his ass. Poe hummed contentedly. He’d been so caught up in pleasuring Finn, he’d nearly forgotten how hard he was, but now it all came pouring back.

“Your turn?” Finn said.

“Please,” Poe murmured.

Finn kept one hand on Poe’s ass, but slid the other around over his hip and wrapped it around Poe’s cock. Poe inhaled sharply, burying his face in Finn’s neck to muffle the sounds he knew he couldn’t hold back. Slowly Finn stroked him, strangely gentle but intoxicating all the same. Finn’s other hand traveled down to grip Poe’s thigh, his fingers digging in hard enough to leave bruises. Poe bit his lip, his hips jerking involuntarily as his body begged for more friction. Gradually they built up a rhythm between Poe’s movements and Finn’s strokes until they were moving in unison, a seamless dance. 

Poe’s hands balled into fists, crumpling the blankets beneath them, as at last he came. He collapsed as gently as he could, vaguely aware of the mess between them as he sprawled across Finn’s chest. Finn cupped the back of his head, stroking his hair. 

“Thank you,” Poe panted, voice still muffled in Finn’s neck.

Finn responded by kissing the side of his head. They lay there for quite a while, both pleasantly tired. Poe could have fallen asleep like this, but then he shifted and was reminded of the mess slowly drying on their chests.

“We should probably clean up,” he mumbled.

Finn sighed.

“And then back to bed?”

“Yeah.”

Poe reluctantly pushed himself off of Finn and got to his feet. Finn followed suit and together they squeezed into the tiny washroom. Once they’d cleaned up, they went back out and climbed into the bed, not bothering to put any clothes on. Finn curled in against Poe’s side, using his chest as a pillow, and Poe wrapped his arms around him. They lay there for a while in silence, then Poe spoke.

“I meant that, you know. Thank you.”

He could feel Finn smile against his chest.

“You’re welcome,” he said. “Thank _you_.”

“My pleasure.”

Silence fell again and slowly they both drifted off to sleep.


	4. Pit Stop

Finn woke up rather suddenly, though he wasn’t sure why. He sat up a little to glance at Poe, who was still fast asleep, then saw what had woken him. The bedroom door had opened and Rey stood on the threshold, looking startled and more than a little embarrassed. For a second they just stared at each other. Then they both started talking at once.

“What the hell, Rey!?”

“I am SO sorry!”

“Seriously, what the hell?!”

“I knocked like five times, you weren’t answering!”

“So you just waltzed in?!”

“What if you were dead or something?!”

“Why the hell would we be dead?!”

“Finn, what the fuck is going on?!”

Poe had woken up at last. He sat up, the blankets falling and just barely keeping him covered. Then he glanced over his shoulder and finally noticed Rey. His eyes went wide and he scrambled to cover himself, only to fall off the bed with no blankets whatsoever. Rey yelped in alarm and quickly turned her back, covering her eyes with both hands. Finn groaned in exasperation. 

“Can you put some pants on?” Rey asked, sounding like she’d very much like to melt into the floor.

“Working on it,” Poe said.

He finally managed to find his pants and put them on, then got to his feet. 

“Are you decent?”

“Pretty much.”

Rey turned back around, completely red in the face. She glanced between the two of them – at Finn, still protected only by blankets, and Poe, who was blushing so hard it had spread down to his bare chest.

“I’m really sorry I butted in on you,” she said.

“Why _did_ you come in here?” Poe said.

“I tried knocking, I swear.”

“Still not an answer.”

“We’re coming up on the Rummar system,” Rey said. “Where we’re making our supply run.”

“Oh, right,” said Finn. “Well, uh… thanks for the heads up.”

“Right. Yeah,” said Rey. She went to leave, then paused in the doorway and turned back. “So, uh, how long has this been going on?”

“A couple hours,” said Poe.

“Oh. Okay.” Rey hesitated a moment, then grinned. “Is it serious, though?”

“I dunno, we just had sex,” Poe said impatiently. “We haven’t exactly talked about it.”

“Do you mind not telling anybody just yet?” Finn asked. “Like he said, we haven’t figured this out at all, we just… y’know…”

“Of course,” said Rey. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“Thanks. Now can you go so we can put some clothes on?”

“Right, sorry.”

Then she turned and left. When the door slid shut, Finn turned to Poe.

“ _Should_ we talk about this?” he asked.

Poe groaned.

“Would we have to do it now?”

“I mean… I guess we kinda need to go help with the supply run, so… it would have to be later.”

“Good. ‘Cause right now all I can focus on is your best friend seeing me fall out of bed stark naked.”

Finn snorted back a laugh and Poe shot him a dirty look.

“Sorry,” he said. “It’s just… it’s a little bit funny.”

“Yeah, that’s ‘cause you’re still safe under a blanket,” Poe said, but he was very obviously trying not to smile.

“You think that makes it any less embarrassing?”

“Yes. Definitely yes.”

Finally Poe cracked and burst out laughing. Finn grinned and joined in. They gathered their clothes and got dressed, then went to the door. 

“You trust her not to say anything?” Poe said.

“Yes,” said Finn. “I’d trust her with my life.”

Poe smiled and kissed him. Finn’s heart leapt and for a moment he was tempted to drag Poe back to bed. But they had duties to attend to. They kissed one more time, then left the room, both doing their best to appear casual, like nothing was different between them. But everything was different. 

Finn had no idea what this all meant to Poe. If it was a fast and dirty fling, a bit of release and escape from the horrors that had thrown them together. But something about the shy way Poe had asked to kiss him, the way he’d second-guessed and been pleasantly surprised when Finn said he wanted to sleep with him, made Finn think it wasn’t just a hook-up. He still didn’t know what Poe wanted from this. He didn’t even know what he wanted from it himself. But until they figured that out, he was perfectly content to kiss him and fuck him and hold him while they slept.

 

***

 

The Falcon touched down in a little settlement on the smallest planet in the Rummar system. Poe wasn’t even sure what the place was called. Everyone on board disembarked and parted ways with specific instructions on what to get and orders to keep a low profile. Poe and Finn left the hangar together and started their hunt for someplace with a communications system they could use. After about an hour of hunting, they finally found a tiny convenience store that had a call center in the back. Finn stood outside and kept watch while Poe went in.

He sat down in the tiny booth and inspected the machine in front of him. It was rather old, but that actually worked better for him. It would be easier for him to hijack in order to encrypt his message. A few minutes of tinkering later, he picked up the comm.

“Poe Dameron to Black Squadron. The Resistance is safe, though… not by much. The evacuation didn’t go as planned, but I’m alive, the general is alive… a handful of others. Can’t go into details. We’re making our new base on Yavin IV in the old Rebel Alliance base. Rendezvous with us there in three days. I’ll see you guys soon. Dameron out.”

He ended the message and let out a sigh. The machine spit out a little ticket to take to the counter. He took it and left the booth.

“Alright, let’s go.”

Finn gave his hand a squeeze and they went up to the counter to pay for the call. Once they were outside, Finn turned to Poe.

“Okay, how the hell did you manage to get a short distance rate on that? ‘Cause you were definitely not calling short distance,” he said.

Poe smirked.

“Well, I already had to hack it to encrypt the message. It was easy enough to trick the machine into thinking it wasn’t long distance.”

“You scoundrel,” Finn teased.

“Hey, it’s not like I’ve actually got any money,” said Poe. “I don’t get paid for this gig.”

 

They returned to the hangar. Rey and Chewwie were sitting together under the Falcon, waiting for the ship to finish refueling. Poe and Finn went to join them.

“Anyone else back yet?” Poe asked.

“The doctor is,” said Rey. “She’s inside, taking care of the girl. What’s her name again?”

“Rose,” said Finn.

“Oh yeah.”

They fell silent. Slowly people started returning from their errands and loading supplies onto the Falcon. When at last everyone had returned, the four of them got up and went inside. Rey and Chewwie went to the cockpit and shortly after, the engines came to life and they were on their way. 

“Finn! Poe!” a voice called.

They turned. Rose was sitting up on the little bed built into the wall, looking tired but cheerful. Finn’s face lit up and he rushed across the cabin. Poe followed behind, trying to ignore the little twinge of jealousy that rose unbidden in his chest. He knew better than to be jealous, Finn had given him plenty of reason not to be, but he couldn’t stop the feeling from intruding all the same.

“You’re awake!” Finn said happily, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah,” Rose said, grinning. “Thanks for getting me out of there.”

“Thanks for saving my life.”

They smiled at each other, then Rose turned to Poe.

“You alright, Poe?” she asked.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, I’m great,” said Poe distractedly. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thanks. So… this is really all that’s left, huh?” said Rose. 

“Yeah…” said Finn.

Poe turned away.

“Where are we going?” Rose asked.

“Yavin IV. It’s risky, but we think it’ll be worth it,” Finn replied.

The two of them continued talking, but Poe drifted away. He wandered the ship a little while and eventually found himself in the cockpit. He stood in the doorway and didn’t say anything, just watched Rey and Chewwie work.

“Ready to jump to lightspeed?” Rey asked.

Chewwie replied and primed the hyperdrive, then a moment later, the stars were whizzing past. Rey got to her feet and turned, then jumped when she saw Poe hovering there.

“Sorry,” he said. “I was just wandering.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Rey. “We’ll call it payback for earlier.”

Poe chuckled.

“Yeah.”

He glanced around the cockpit.

“You know, for being such a legendary ship, this thing is kind of a mess.”

Chewwie made an offended growl.

“Sorry,” Poe said. “It’s a great ship.”

Chewwie grunted skeptically and left. Rey smiled.

“Well,” Poe said. “Now I’ve got the wookiee mad at me. Awesome.”

“He’s not mad at you,” said Rey. “You’re not the first person to insult the Falcon.”

“Shocking.”

“Comparatively, what you said was rather tame.”

Poe half-smiled and sat down, spinning the chair slightly. Rey sat back down in the pilot’s chair, watching him curiously.

“I’d have thought you’d be with Finn,” she said after a while. 

“Rose woke up, he’s talking with her,” Poe said.

Rey nodded.

“She’s gonna be okay?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

They were silent again for a long time. 

“I killed her sister,” Poe said suddenly.

Rey stared.

“What?”

“Well…. I got her killed. During the evacuation.”

“I don’t know what happened back there, but I doubt it was your fault,” said Rey.

Poe laughed humorlessly.

“You’re sweet. But it _was_ my fault. She shouldn’t have been out there at all, none of them should have been. But I disobeyed orders and Paige Tico and all those others died.”

“Does she know? Rose?”

“That it was my fault? Probably. And somehow she doesn’t hate me.” Poe sighed. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. We barely know each other.”

“It’s okay,” said Rey. “After all, I _have_ seen you naked.”

“You’re not gonna let that die, are you?” Poe teased.

“It’s rather branded into my mind.”

They both laughed.

“I can see why Finn likes you so much,” Poe said.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Rey smiled.

“I can see why he likes you too.”

Poe smiled back.

“You really like him, right?” Rey asked. “I mean… what I walked in on… I mean, it’s fine if you’re just messing around, but… I just don’t want him to get hurt…”

“I don’t plan on breaking his heart,” Poe said earnestly. 

Rey nodded and smiled again.

“Good.”


	5. Promises

It took two days for them to reach Yavin. Everyone was starting to get a little antsy from being cooped up on the Falcon, so it was definitely a relief when they finally landed in their new base. Everyone gathered up all the supplies they could carry and they filed off the ship. Finn was following behind Poe, who promptly stopped the moment he came in view of the whole hangar.

“Yes!” he cried jubilantly.

Finn came to stand next to him and saw what had made him so excited: several old x-wings stood abandoned in the hangar, clearly the worse for wear but with a little work, they could probably fly again. With all the fleet destroyed except for the ships Black Squadron had taken, these x-wings were definitely a win.

“This is gonna save us so much trouble,” Poe said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Yeah, that’s ‘cause you won’t be the one fixing them,” Rose teased, coming to stand with them.

“Seriously though, we have _no_ fleet. This is… thank the Force, we’re so much less screwed.”

Poe turned and followed everyone else inside. Finn and Rose exchanged a look. Poe was right. This really was a game changer. They followed after him, parting ways to take their armfuls of supplies to their proper places.

 

That evening, once everything was put away and set-up duties were assigned, Finn wandered outside. The air was warm and humid, the setting sun streaming through the trees of the surrounding jungle, the calls of hundreds of birds and animals echoing around. It was beautiful, peaceful and wild at the same time, and Finn realized he had never been anywhere that was so full of life. 

He walked for a while, his hands in his pockets. Eventually he turned a corner to find Poe perched on a ledge several feet up, watching the sun sink behind the trees. Finn walked over until he was standing right below him.

“Mind if I come up?” he called.

Poe looked down and smiled.

“Careful, it’s kinda steep,” he said.

Finn grinned and began to climb. It took him a few minutes and he nearly slipped a few times, but at last he reached the ledge and sat down.

“Of all the places you could hang out,” he panted, “why here?”

Poe shrugged.

“Nice view. Nobody to bother me.”

“ _I’m_ bothering you.”

“No, you’re not.”

It was quiet for a while as they both stared out over the jungle. Then Finn spoke again.

“So… I guess now’s as good a time as any to have that talk we’ve been putting off.”

“Yeah…” said Poe. “The sex is just so much more fun though.”

Finn chuckled.

“Yeah. But… we’ve been sleeping together for a few days now and I don’t think either of us really knows where it’s going besides more sex. Which, don’t get me wrong, I’m more than happy about the sex. But…”

“You’re wondering if that’s all it is,” said Poe. “If we’re just screwing.”

“Yeah. Pretty much.”

“Look, I know you’re not experienced with this stuff. That you’ve never had a relationship. So I don’t wanna scare you off or rush you into anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“Poe, we’ve already been fucking, I don’t think there’s much to rush into,” said Finn.

“Okay, true. My point is… if that’s all you want, just sex… I’m fine with that.”

“But?”

“How’d you know there was a but?”

“I know you pretty well for having only met you like a week and a half ago.”

Poe smiled.

“Yeah, you do,” he said. “Okay then. I’m fine with this being just sex. _But_ if you want to… I’d like it to be something more.”

“What kind of something?” Finn asked, his heart beating faster.

“A relationship. Something that has the possibility to grow into more. But only if you want to.”

“I do. I want more.”

Poe turned to him, looking almost surprised.

“Really?”

Finn nodded and Poe beamed. Finn smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

 

When the sun went down, they climbed down and went back inside. After a bit of a search to find their room, they went inside and closed the door. They barely registered what the room even looked like before pouncing on each other, leaving a trail of discarded clothing between the door and the bed.

 

Much later, they lay together, basking in the quiet contentment of the afterglow. Finn had his head on Poe’s chest, one hand over his beating heart, while Poe softly stroked his hair. 

“Finn?” Poe said suddenly, and Finn could feel his voice vibrating through his chest.

“Hmm?”

“There’s… another thing we should talk about.”

“What’s that?” 

“Well… if we’re gonna do this… be a couple, I mean… there’s something you have to know.”

Finn frowned. Poe was being worryingly cryptic. Was there some jealous ex-husband he should be worried about? Was Poe dying of some incurable illness? Were members of the Resistance not allowed to date each other?

“Okay,” Finn said. “What is it?”

“I don’t need to tell you how possible it is that one or both of us might die,” Poe said. “We’re soldiers in a war.”

“Yeah…”

Finn wasn’t entirely sure where this was going, but he almost wished it had been the ex-husband thing instead. That would be far less painful than the likely path of this conversation.

“The thing is… all that is a bit different with me,” Poe went on.

“How do you mean?” Finn asked.

“I’m a pilot,” said Poe. “And chances are, when I die… there won’t be a body to bury. I’ll go up in flames and you’ll be burying an empty coffin.”

Finn swallowed hard, his stomach churning anxiously at just the thought.

“Do we have to talk about this?” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” said Poe. “I just want you to be prepared.”

“I know.”

“Finn…. when that happens… if that happens… I want you to promise me something.”

Finn turned his head to look at him.

“What?”

“Don’t wait for me.”

“What do you mean?” Finn asked, frowning.

“There won’t be a body. No proof. It’s easy to… trick yourself into thinking they’re not really dead. That they’re gonna come home. If I die… don’t let that happen. Don’t waste your life waiting for me to return from someplace I can never come back from.”

“Poe…”

“Promise me,” Poe said. “Please.”

Finn stared at him a moment. Poe was staring resolutely up at the ceiling, a pained, almost desperate look on his face. It was obvious how much this meant to him. Finn reached up and place a hand on Poe’s cheek, turning his head to face him. 

“I promise,” he said. “I can’t promise how good I’ll be at it. But I promise to try.”

“Thank you.”

“But only if you promise something too.”

“Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll try to stay alive,” said Finn. “I know you can’t promise not to die, that’s impossible. But… just promise you won’t go getting yourself killed. That you’ll always try to come home.”

Poe smiled softly.

“I promise.”


	6. Getting Settled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay in updates. i wanted to wait til i got my hands on the last issue of the poe comic to see if i'd need/want to rewrite anything. but we're good now so back to regular updates from here on out!

After breakfast the next morning, Poe went out to the hanger to await the arrival of Black Squadron. He had no idea when they would come, if they had gotten his message, or if they were even alive. But when they arrived – if they arrived – he would be there waiting for them.

An hour passed. Then two. Poe paced, he sat, he kicked at pebbles and watched them skitter across the pavement. The third hour approached and he was starting to go a bit mad with boredom when he heard the familiar sound of engines and looked up at the sky. Three x-wings and an a-wing approached on the horizon. Poe sighed in relief. The ships soared down into the hanger and landed. As the pilots climbed down, Poe ran over, grinning from ear to ear.

“I _knew_ you were alive, I just knew it!” he cried, nearly bowling Jessika Pava over in a hug.

“Well I won’t be much longer if you smother me,” Jess teased.

Poe released her, still beaming, and turned to the others, hugging them all.

“So, any luck with the mission?” he asked. 

Snap shook his head.

“Anyone who’s sympathetic is scared,” he said. “What about things around here? Your message sounded rather grim.”

Poe’s smile faltered.

“Yeah, we, uh… took a hit. A pretty big one,” he said, looking at the ground. “There’s not many of us left.”

“How many is not many?” Karé asked.

“Less than a hundred.”

Their silence was telling. Poe couldn’t bear to look at them. 

“So what do we do now?” Suralinda asked. “We’re hardly an army. We have no allies on the outside. Does this mean they’ve won?”

Poe looked up at last.

“No. Never,” he said, a little spark of his old fire burning in his voice for the first time since Crait. “Our numbers are small but we’re still standing. Allies _will_ come. We’re not gonna let the First Order win, not while we still have life in us.”

Jess smiled.

“There’s the Poe we know and love,” she said. “Let’s get to work.”

 

***

 

A few days passed with very little action. Everyone was busy settling in, repairing old equipment, and discussing next moves. A team of mechanics had been hard at work in the hanger since they arrived, working on the small fleet of x-wings the Rebellion had left behind so many years ago.

Many of their pilots had been killed in the hanger explosion on board the _Raddus,_ but those that were left anxiously awaited news on the state of their future ships. While glad they had easy access to starfighters, most of the pilots were skeptical about flying such outdated ships into battle. Poe was trying to keep his hopes up, however. The Millennium Falcon was old too, he kept pointing out, and look how much it had done for them. Still, with all his morale boosting, he couldn’t help worrying about just how successful the mechanics’ attempts would be.

 

It was a muggy afternoon. Poe wandered into the hanger, his hands in his pockets, hoping to get some sort of update on the x-wings. To his surprise, he saw Rose kneeling by one of the ships, tightening a bolt on the landing gear.

“I thought you were supposed to be taking it easy,” Poe said, walking over to her.

“I am. This isn’t that hard of work,” said Rose.

She straightened up and wiped the sweat from her face with the back of her hand.

“Bullshit,” said Poe. “I’ve put my x-wing back together from scrap metal, it is _not_ easy work.”

“Well luckily, this thing was mostly functioning. Also, I’m really good at my job.”

“Never said you weren’t.” Poe looked up at the x-wing she was working on. “This looks amazing. You’d hardly know it was practically forty years old.”

“Thanks,” said Rose. “It’s yours.”

Poe looked at her in surprise.

“It is?”

“Yeah. I asked the general specifically to work on your ship.”

“Really?” Poe looked back up at the ship, circling around it to inspect the whole thing. “It really is amazing. Thank you.”

“I gave it a few little tricks too. I know you like that kind of stuff,” Rose said. “It’s all experimental, so I have no idea if they’ll actually work, but I made sure they wouldn’t interfere with the vital functions if they ended up faulty.”

“Thanks. Seriously.” Poe looked at the ground. “I don’t know why you’re being so nice to me.”

“Because you’ve always been nice to me.”

Poe looked back up at her.

“A lot of the others look down on me,” she said. “I’m awkward and I have weird ideas that they don’t think will work. But you were never like that. Same with Finn. You guys like my ideas.”

“I _do_ like your ideas.” Poe smiled, but it quickly faded, a heavy weight on his chest. “I’m sorry, Rose.”

“For what?” Rose asked.

“For what happened to Paige. It’s my fault, and I know you know that, so don’t be nice and try to pretend it isn’t. She deserved better. So do you. And I really don’t deserve you being so nice to me after all that.”

“Hey. Look at me,” Rose said, and Poe obeyed. “Yeah, you led that attack. Yeah, it got people killed. But my sister died a hero. They all did. You guys took down a dreadnaught. I miss her more than anything, but I couldn’t be more proud. And I don’t blame you for it. Not one bit.”

“Thanks,” Poe said quietly. “For that. For the ship.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“And thanks for saving Finn. I… I’ve got so much blood on my hands… I don’t think I could have lived with having his blood on my hands too. So thanks.”

“Someone’s gotta save you boys,” Rose said with a smile. 

Poe half-smiled back.

“Yeah, we’re kinda idiots, aren’t we?”

“Just a little bit.”

“Well…” Poe said. “I should let you get back to work. Thanks again for the ship.”

“You’re welcome.”

They exchanged a smile, then Poe left.

 

***

 

Nearly two weeks had gone by since they arrived on Yavin IV. Their fleet was nearly refurbished, and the Resistance was starting to feel comfortable in their new base. Poe and Finn had gotten closer and were settling into their new relationship. They’d told a select few people – Rey, Rose, the rest of Black Squadron – but they were still keeping it on the down low. There was no point really in broadcasting it. But they weren’t necessarily making an effort to hide it either. 

One evening after dinner, Poe turned to Finn.

“So I had an idea,” he said.

“What was that?”

“Did you want to come with me to visit my dad this weekend?”

Finn looked surprised.

“Really?” he said. “You want me to come spend the weekend with your family?”

“Yeah,” said Poe. “I already asked General Organa, she’s fine with it. I mean, we’d be on call, so if an emergency came up, we’d need to drop everything and come back here. But, well… honestly, I could probably use a break. And I don’t imagine you’ve ever had a vacation, like, ever. So… what do you think?”

“I’d love to,” Finn said with a smile.

Poe grinned.

“Awesome. We leave in two days, then.”


	7. Homecoming

Their bags were packed and loaded into the back of a frankly ancient speeder. They had spent the day attending to some duties around base before leaving, intending to get to Poe’s father’s house in time for dinner. Finn had to admit he was a little nervous. He was excited to get away from all this, if only for a few days. But meeting Poe’s father… well, he wasn’t really sure what to expect. He was sure Kes Dameron was a great man, he must be to have raised someone like Poe. And that was what made him nervous. Finn didn’t want to disappoint him. He didn’t want Poe’s father to meet him and think he wasn’t good enough for his son.

“You ready?” Poe asked, pulling Finn from his thoughts.

“Yup.”

They climbed into the speeder and they were off. It was a quiet ride. They couldn’t really talk much over the noise of the engine and the wind rushing past their ears. Mostly, Finn watched the jungle flash by, occasionally glancing over at Poe in the driver’s seat. Eventually Poe slowed down as they entered a settlement. It was a small village, quiet and quaint, not the kind of place Finn expected Poe to have grown up at all. They drove down the street, past people working in their gardens and children playing by the side of the road, until they neared the edge of town.

Poe brought the speeder to a stop outside a small house and they climbed out. The house had a thatched roof and wooden shutters and looked so different to any building Finn had ever seen. The yard was bigger than the house by far. Half of it was dedicated to garden beds where grew a vast array of vegetables, many of which Finn didn’t recognize. The other half was mostly grass and wildflowers, but they were barely consequential compared to the tree that grew there. It was taller than the house, though not by much, with an impressively thick trunk. The branches twisted up and out to form a canopy of leaves that cast the area below in total shade; it was no wonder the Damerons had planted their garden on the other side of the yard. But its size wasn’t what drew Finn’s attention to it. There was something like an aura about it, a faint tingly feeling in the air it inhabited.

“It’s a Force Tree,” Poe explained, noticing Finn staring. “Luke Skywalker gave it to my parents after the war.”

“A Force Tree?”

“Honestly, I don’t fully understand it myself,” said Poe. “But no matter how many other trees I fell out of, I never fell out of that one.”

Finn smiled and followed him up the walkway to the front porch. Poe tapped in a key code and there was a click, then he opened the door. 

“Dad! I’m home!” he called. 

There was a shuffling sound from somewhere in the house, then a man appeared. He was a little taller than Poe, but looked quite a lot like him apart from the silver streaking his dark hair. When he laid eyes on his son, his face broke into a beaming smile and Finn couldn’t help noticing how his eyes crinkled up in the corners just like Poe’s did. Poe and his father embraced, then Poe turned to Finn.

“Dad, this is Finn,” he said.

“Pleased to meet you, son. My name’s Kes.”

Kes held out his hand and Finn shook it, smiling.

“Thanks for having me here, sir,” he said.

“No need to call me sir,” said Kes. “Just Kes is fine. And I’m glad to have you, especially if it means having my boy back for a few days.”

He clapped Poe on the shoulder, who grinned and rolled his eyes.

“So, who’s hungry? Dinner should be ready soon.”

Kes led them off to the kitchen. Poe dropped his bag in the corner and sprawled casually in a chair at the kitchen table, completely at home. But Finn hovered on the threshold, staring around at the cozy kitchen in awe. Everything about this place was so lived-in and simple, comfort oozing from the very foundations. He hadn’t known a place could feel like this. Like more than just a place.

“Come on, Finn, sit down,” said Poe, breaking him from his revere.

He pushed out a chair with his foot and gestured for him to sit. Finn put his bag with Poe’s and went to join him at the table. He sat and listened while Poe and Kes chatted. When dinner was ready, they dished up their food and returned to the table. Kes joined them last, toting a big bottle of wine and three glasses, which he filled and passed around. Once he sat down, he raised his glass.

“To the Resistance,” he said.

Finn and Poe echoed the toast and they all drank, then began to eat. There was silence for a few minutes, then Kes turned to Poe.

“How is all that going, by the way?” he asked. “With the Resistance?”

Poe hesitated, staring down at his plate.

“Well… we kinda lost a lot of people evacuating our last base, so… it’s kinda rough.”

Finn glanced from Poe to Kes, who had a knowing look on his face, like he could tell there was more Poe wasn’t letting on. But he didn’t press.

“I’m sorry to hear that. But things’ll look up. You’re still fighting under the greatest general in the galaxy, after all.”

Poe smiled a little at that.

“You’re right about that,” he said.

“Now, what about you two?” Kes asked. “Did you meet in the Resistance?”

“Not exactly,” said Finn.

“He saved my life,” Poe said.

Finn blushed.

“Well….”

“Don’t be modest,” said Poe. “You did.”

“In that case, I like you even more,” said Kes. 

“It was kinda selfish, really…” said Finn. “See, I was a stormtrooper. I wanted to get out, and Poe was being held prisoner, so I broke him out.”

“You’re selling yourself short, Finn,” Poe said. “What you did was one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen.”

Finn blushed even more. He really hadn’t felt that brave escaping the _Finalizer_ , and he wasn’t sure he deserved to be praised so highly for it.

“You saved my son, Finn,” said Kes earnestly. “No amount of thanks I could give you would express my gratitude for that.”

Finn still wasn’t sure he deserved all this praise, but seeing the depth of Kes’ sincerity made him realize just how much what he’d done meant. 

“I’m glad I did it,” he said. “Honestly, it was probably the best decision I ever made. And not just because I left the First Order.”

He looked at Poe and smiled. Poe smiled back and winked.

 

The rest of the meal was filled with much cheerier conversation, egged on by several more glasses of wine. When they finished eating, they cleaned up then migrated out to the porch, where they continued chatting and drinking as they watched the sun set over the jungle. Occasionally a neighbor would wander past on their way home and stop to say hello, asking how Poe had been. By the time night had truly fallen, they had emptied the bottle of wine and were all three rather tipsy.

They went back inside and parted ways for the night. Finn and Poe retrieved their bags from the kitchen and went back to Poe’s room. It was clear that little had changed in here since Poe was a teenager. The walls were plastered with posters of various starfighters (though mostly x-wings), the bed was definitely only meant for one person, and the shelves were covered in model ships, various trinkets, and family photos. Finn picked up one in particular, depicting a young man who was clearly Kes, a little boy that even in a still photo looked like he never stopped moving, and a fiercely beautiful woman with eyes just like Poe’s. 

“Is this your mother?” Finn asked.

Poe glanced up from unpacking his bag.

“Oh, yeah,” he said with a fond smile.

Finn set down the photograph and turned to survey the rest of the room. It was small but cluttered. There was a desk at the foot of the bed, littered with the remains of unfinished projects – half built models, scraps of paper scribbled with partial sketches and what looked like sheet music.

“I didn’t know you draw,” said Finn.

“I haven’t in a long time.”

Finn picked up one of the sketches.

“Why not? These are really good.”

Poe shrugged, avoiding his gaze. 

“Life happened, I guess.”

Finn looked back at the papers on the desk and noticed the profile of a young man, the only finished drawing on the desk. Deciding not to say anything, he set the sketches down and turned away. 

“The bed’ll be a little cramped,” said Poe.

“I don’t mind,” Finn smiled. “It’ll be like back on the Falcon.”

Poe smiled and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Finn’s waist.

“So, what do you think?” he asked.

“I love it,” said Finn. “This house is amazing. Your dad is awesome.”

Poe grinned.

“You’re just lucky I didn’t bring you out during storm season. You wouldn’t like this house so much then.”

“Impossible. This place is perfect.”

“Also drafty.”

“It’s a home.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Poe smiled softly, his cheeks still rosy from the alcohol. Standing there in the dim light, inches apart, Finn was suddenly overwhelmed by how beautiful he was. He could drown in those eyes, dark like his mother’s but with crinkles in the corners like his father as he smiled. Finn leaned in and kissed him. There had been something familiar about this house and how it felt, he’d known it from the moment he stepped inside. He knew now what it was. The house felt like Poe. Like home.


	8. Memories

Poe woke up the next morning feeling more rested than he had since before Jakku. It was good to be back in his old familiar bed, cramped as it was to share. Finn was already awake and back from the shower it seemed, lingering water droplets glinting on his skin in the golden morning light. Poe smiled, watching as he dug through his bag for some clothes. 

“G’morning,” he said.

Finn looked up and beamed.

“Good morning.”

“How’d you sleep?” Poe asked.

“Well, I actually slept through the whole night, so I’d say pretty good.”

“Good. Me too.” Poe yawned and sat up. “I’m gonna go shower.”

“Okay. I’ll be outside.,” said Finn.

“Okay.”

Poe got out of bed and left the room, brushing his fingers over Finn’s shoulder as he walked by. He showered quickly, then went back to his room and got dressed. He was about to leave, but paused, hand on the doorknob, like something was pulling him back. He went over to the desk and stared down at the papers scattered across its surface, all the images he’d once thought important enough to painstakingly copy down. Most were innocent enough, but far too many held memories he’d rather forget. 

A single charcoal pencil lay on the desk among the sketches, the point still sharp. Poe rolled it beneath his fingers, teetering on the edge of a decision. Then he picked it up, heart racing more than it should. He opened one of the desk drawers and pulled out a sketchbook, barely used, a birthday gift from just months before he’d given up drawing. Then he turned and left the room.

He found Finn outside, as promised, wandering idly around the base of the Force Tree. He was lost in his inspection of it and didn’t notice Poe come out. Poe stood there for a moment, watching him as he circled the trunk, gazing up into the branches. The sunlight streaming through the leaves cast golden freckles across his face and made him almost seem to glow. 

Poe sat down on the edge of the porch and opened his sketchbook to a fresh page. There was no way he could truly capture the beauty of the sight before him, but he could at least try to preserve this moment. He hesitated, pencil hovering over the page, then he began. His hand shook a little as he made the first line – just the trunk of the tree – and he paused again, uncertain. But he pressed forward, his hand growing steadier as he went on. 

By the time he’d finished sketching the tree, Finn had sat down, leaning back against the trunk. Poe smiled and readjusted his grip on the pencil, then started to draw Finn. The drawing was far too small for there to be much of a likeness, but there were a few little quirks that someone who knew Finn would recognize. When he’d finished, he took a moment to inspect his work. It was rough, his lines quavered a bit here and there, but he was satisfied. He went to close the notebook, but a hand swooped in and stopped him. Poe looked up. He hadn’t even realized Finn had come over, but he was standing there in front of him, a small smile on his face.

“I thought you said you didn't draw anymore,” he said.

Poe shrugged.

“I got inspired.”

“Can I see?” 

Poe turned the book and held it out to him.

“I’m kinda out of practice,” he said. “My hand kept shaking. But I tried.”

“This is amazing,” Finn said, voice cracking a little. 

Poe blushed and looked bashfully down at his charcoal smudged hands. Finn sat down on the porch next to him and kissed his cheek. Poe turned to look at him.

“You really like it?” he asked.

“I love it.”

Poe smiled. He took the sketchbook from Finn and carefully ripped out the page, then held it out to him.

“Keep it.”

Finn smiled and took the sketch, cradling it in his hands like some precious thing. 

“Thanks,” he said softly.

Poe put his arm around Finn’s shoulders and pulled him close, pressing a kiss to his temple.

 

***

 

Most of the day passed uneventfully. Poe took Finn around the settlement, showing him all the old haunts from his childhood. They wandered through the jungle and came upon a lake. It was beautiful and peaceful and strangely familiar, Finn thought. He turned to Poe, who was standing on the edge of the treeline with his hands in his pockets, looking oddly subdued.

“You okay?” Finn asked.

“Yeah. Just haven’t come here in a long time,” said Poe. “I figured you’d like it though.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“I used to come here growing up… whenever things got rough…”

Finn suddenly realized why the lake was familiar – he’d seen sketches of it on Poe’s desk. Once again deciding not to press the subject, he turned back to the lake. The surface was like glass, reflecting the surrounding trees. A bird swooped down and landed on the water, disrupting the smooth surface with a cascade of ripples. It really was the most peaceful place Finn had ever been. He could see why Poe would come here during hard times.It was just a shame the place had become tainted for him. 

He turned back to Poe, who was still hovering quietly at the edge of the rocky beach. He walked over to him and took his hand.

“Where to next?” he asked.

“There really isn’t much else.”

“Then let’s head home.”

 

Kes cooked them dinner again that night, though with considerably less alcohol than before. They cleaned up and went to part ways, but Kes took Finn aside. Finn glanced at the doorway Poe had just vanished through, suddenly nervous.

“Don’t worry, Finn, this isn’t the ‘if you hurt my son, I’ll kill you’ talk,” said Kes.

Finn chuckled, relieved. Kes continued.

“I just wanted to thank you. Not just for saving my son’s life. But for… helping close some old wounds.”

“What do you mean?” Finn asked.

“I saw him sketching on the porch this morning,” said Kes. “That was a sight for sore eyes, I’ll tell you. He used to love drawing. He was such an active child, never stopped moving. But put a pencil and paper in his hand and he’d slow down for a while.”

“Why did he stop?”

“If he hasn’t told you, then I won’t. It’s not my story to tell. But, in short, he got his heart broken.”

Finn remembered the sketch of the young man on Poe’s desk and wondered if he was the culprit.

“But you,” Kes went on. “You’re a rare one, I can tell. My son is all fire, just like his mother. But you bring out the softness underneath all that. That takes a special person indeed. So thank you.”

Finn blushed.

“I really care about him,” he said. 

“It shows.”

There was a brief silence, then Kes clapped him on the shoulder.

“You better get going, Poe will be wondering what I’ve done with you,” he joked.

Finn laughed.

“Good night, Kes.”

“Good night.”

Finn went back to Poe’s room to find Poe sitting cross-legged on the bed, looking at something on a datapad. When Finn entered, he looked up.

“There you are,” he said, setting the datapad on the nightstand. “Dad give you the talk?”

“Something like that,” said Finn, coming to sit with him on the bed.

Poe grinned and they settled in, cuddling up together. They lay there in silence for a long time, just enjoying each others presence. Then Finn spoke.

“There’s… been something on my mind today.”

“What is it?” Poe asked.

Finn hesitated a moment before speaking.

“Being here… it’s made me realize just how much I don’t know about you.”

Poe gave him an inquisitive look.

“Like what?”

“Your past,” said Finn. “I hardly know anything about your life before we met. Or your life outside the Resistance at all. I’ve only ever known you as a soldier. And I know there’s so much more to you than that.”

“Well… what do you want to know?” Poe said.

Finn bit his lip, debating with himself. He didn’t want to make things uncomfortable and he knew what he wanted to ask would open a wound, but he had to know.

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to,” he prefaced. “But… I noticed on your desk… there’s a drawing of a person… a young man… who is he?”

Poe was quiet for a moment, suddenly somber. Finn reached out and took his hand.

“He was…. my first boyfriend,” Poe said quietly. “First… a lot of things, actually.”

“Was… was he your first love?” Finn asked.

Poe nodded, avoiding his gaze. He seemed distant, conflicted. 

“Okay, you deserve to know the whole truth about this,” he said after a while, still not looking at him. “There are only a couple people alive who know about it, and you deserve to be one of them.”

“Okay, you’re making me nervous now,” said Finn. “What did this guy do to you? I can kick his ass if you like.”

Poe chuckled, though he didn’t seem particularly amused.

“Thing is, you already kinda did,” he said. “My first boyfriend… my first love… was Ben Solo. Kylo Ren.”

Whatever Finn had been expecting, it was not that. He stared at Poe for what could have been seconds or minutes, utterly flabbergasted.

“You… you were… but he… what the _fuck_?” he spluttered.

“You see why I don’t go around telling people.”

“Okay seriously, what the fuck, Poe? You dated Kylo Ren?”

“It wasn’t as bad as you’d think. Not at first.”

Finn stared at him again, the initial shock mellowing into pity as he noticed the sadness in Poe’s eyes. 

“What happened?” Finn asked, much gentler than his outburst of moments before.

“Our families visited pretty often when we were kids. At first we kind of resented each other, but as time went on we got closer. Then all those damn teenage hormones kicked in and we just had to go and fall for each other. I was fifteen when we got together. It lasted two years. We’d see each other on and off, I mean our families lived in different star systems, but we were always able to pick right back up where we left off. At the time, I… I honestly thought we were invincible. That we’d grow old together.”

“So what went wrong?”

Poe swallowed hard, staring resolutely at their hands.

“Ben wasn’t always this great Force user. Back then, he… had issues controlling it. There was a lot going on in his head and sometimes he would lose control and it would all just kinda… burst out. I didn’t realize until a lot more recently that it was because Snoke was getting to him, even then. Anyway… I was the only one who could help him calm down when it happened. Everyone else was honestly a little scared and he could sense it, which just made it worse. Even his parents, though they really tried. But for whatever reason, it never scared me. 

“Then one time… it was worse than usual and he accidentally hurt me. It wasn’t that bad, but it really freaked him out. He ran off. I wanted to go after him, but my dad insisted I gave him some space. As soon as I got patched up, I went looking for him. It was night by the time I found him, down at the lake. I tried to reason with him but it turned into a big fight and he started to lose control again and… I flinched.”

Poe faltered, his hands shaking. Finn grasped his hand more tightly, letting him know he was still here, still listening. Poe took a deep breath and continued, his voice much quieter than before.

“I’d never flinched before. Never. I expected him to freak out after that but suddenly he was in total control, he had more of a handle on his powers than I’d ever seen. And then he… used the Force to make me break up with him. A mind trick. He’d never done one before, but he did it then so perfectly that I couldn’t resist. I didn’t even know what happened until I got home and the trance broke…”

Finn held Poe’s hand close to his chest, his heart breaking for him. It was all too clear where the rest of this story went.

“I didn’t see him again after that,” Poe said, forcing his voice to be steady. “I went off to join the New Republic Navy and he went to train with Luke Skywalker. A few years later, I got the news that one of Luke’s students had turned and destroyed the temple. I assumed Ben was dead. I never for a second thought he was the one who killed all those kids. And no one told me any different.”

“Not even Leia?” Finn said.

“I hadn’t seen her since I joined the navy and I wouldn’t see her again until a few years after that, when she recruited me for the Resistance.”

“But she told you then, right?”

“Neither of us had any reason to believe I would come face to face with Kylo Ren…”

Finn’s heart sank.

“You really went into that cell having no idea who was torturing you.”

“I don’t blame Leia for not telling me sooner. Though I was certainly pissed when I got back from Jakku and found out I’d just been tortured by my presumed dead ex-boyfriend. But there was work to do, so I pushed it aside. It reopened a wound though… and coming back here…”

“You didn’t have to take me to the lake before,” Finn said quietly. 

“I wanted to. It’s a beautiful place. And… coming back here with you… it’s like a clean slate. You’ve helped replaced those old memories with new ones. Better ones.”

Finn smiled a little and leaned forward to kiss Poe’s forehead.

“Thanks for telling me,” he murmured. “I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

“You deserve to know,” said Poe. “I don’t want you to find out the hard way like I did. Besides… getting your heartbroken… it’s part of life. It messed me up, but at least I had the chance to have something like that.”

“You’re _glad_ you got your heart broken?” Finn said.

“Well… no. But I got to be in love. That’s something.”

Finn smiled softly.

“Yeah. It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the poe/kylo backstory bit is from a very elaborate headcanon my friend and i came up with about a year ago. i've been searching for a way to use it in a fic ever since and finally found my opportunity.


	9. Back to Work

_Poe sat in Leia’s office, feeling utterly defeated. He was filthy and exhausted, his body ached, his head pounded, and he still wasn’t entirely sure if all of this was even real or if he was still shackled to a chair with Kylo Ren sifting through his mind. He’d just finished relaying the massiveness of his failure to Leia, who sat across from him looking grim. But when she spoke, it wasn’t to chastise him for failing his mission, for screwing up this badly for the first time in his life. Instead her tone was sad, pitying._

_“Poe… there’s something you should know,” she said. “It won’t be easy for you to hear and I should have told you sooner.”_

_Oh no. This was it. He had dreamt it all, the escape, Finn, getting home. If he blinked, Leia would vanish and Kylo Ren would stand before him instead, taunting him and announcing his imminent execution. But none of that happened. Poe blinked, he pinched himself, but Leia still sat there, watching him sadly._

_“Kylo Ren… is not just some Dark Side apprentice Snoke snatched up,” Leia said. “He’s my son.”_

_Poe stared at her, uncomprehending._

_“What?”_

_“Ben is the one who destroyed Luke’s training temple. He isn’t dead. He became Kylo Ren.”_

_Poe continued to stare as the words penetrated his scrambled mind._

_“That… that was Ben?” he finally managed to say._

_“Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. You shouldn’t have had to find out like this.”_

_A ringing had slowly begun to build up in his ears and now it finally snapped and he sprang to his feet._

_“You’re damn right I shouldn’t have found out like this,” he said. “Years, YEARS, I thought he was dead. And you knew this whole time and never told me?!”_

_“I’m sorry,” said Leia. “I didn’t want to cause you any pain. It was foolish.”_

_“So you wait until he’s literally tortured me, torn through my mind like it was nothing? You know, I still don’t even know if this is real, because of what he did. Half of me is still convinced I’m back on that ship. I can’t trust my own mind because of what he did to me. And you thought not telling me the truth would protect me?”_

_Poe kicked the chair he’d been sitting in a minute ago and it crashed to the floor. Leia didn’t flinch._

_“I never thought you would have to face him,” Leia said. “I was a fool to keep it from you for so long. No. To keep it from you at all. I should have told you years ago. I thought about it. I considered visiting you after it happened, to tell you. But I never did. I figured my son had caused you enough grief already. No use causing more. I almost told you again when you joined the Resistance, but again I thought, why cause you unnecessary pain? But all that waiting has done is made this moment worse. I’m sorry, Poe. I truly am.”_

_Poe was still fuming. He wanted to rage and tell her that sorry wouldn’t cut it. But he couldn’t. Because he understood. Sure, delaying the pain had made it hurt all the more, but she had been trying to protect him. He swallowed hard as tears came to his eyes. He had been flayed raw and Leia’s confession had felt like a kick when he was down, but he couldn’t stay mad at her. He really couldn’t._

_“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice hoarse._

_“For what?”_

_“Yelling. Failing my mission. Failing Ben.”_

_“You didn’t fail Ben. Snoke seduced him to the Dark Side.”_

_“But he might not have given in if I hadn’t –“_

_“You did_ not _create Kylo Ren. None of it was your fault.”_

_Poe’s bottom lip trembled as tears began to fall. He went to sit back down, forgetting he’d kicked over his chair, and landed heavily on the floor. He didn’t feel like Commander Poe Dameron, best pilot in the Resistance, anymore. It felt like he was seventeen years old again, collapsing on the threshold of his house as the trance Ben had put him under lifted. Suddenly Leia knelt beside him and took his hand. Poe looked up at her, embarrassed, but too exhausted to care how pathetic he must look._

_“This_ is _real?” he asked quietly. “It’s not just… some new torture he’s cooked up from sifting through my brain?”_

_Leia reached out and brushed his hair out of his face, then gently cupped his cheek._

_“It’s real,” she said._

_Poe nodded, honestly unsure which would have been worse._

_“Go get cleaned up and try to rest,” Leia said. “I’ll let you know if there’s any news on BB-8.”_

 

The memory faded away and Poe awoke, his face wet with tears. He let out a long exhale and rubbed his hands down his face, drying his cheeks. He turned to look out the window – the sun was just starting to rise – then looked over at Finn, who was still fast asleep. Poe sighed. Coming back here, to the scene of so many memories with Ben Solo, so soon after learning the truth of his fate probably hadn’t been the best idea for his mental health. Nor, most likely, was telling Finn every painful detail. But he owed that to Finn. If they were going to make this work, Finn deserved to know about the only other relationship that had ever truly meant something to him.

Poe rolled onto his side to look at Finn, letting the soft sound of his breathing soothe his aching heart. Finn looked so peaceful and content, sleep allowing him an escape from all the things that dogged him when awake. Poe would envy him, except he knew it wasn’t always like that. Finn had nightmares just as much as he did. They were both haunted. Perhaps that was part of why they worked so well; they understood one another’s pain.

A sunbeam slowly shifted across the room until it cast its light on the bed and Finn woke, squinting a little at the brightness. His eyes fell on Poe and they smiled at each other.

“You watching me sleep?” Finn teased.

“You’re always up before me, I never get to,” Poe teased back, though there was sincerity in his tone. “I see what I was missing out on. You’re almost as pretty asleep as you are awake.”

Finn blushed and gave him a light, playful smack on the arm.

“You’re one to talk,” he said. 

Poe grinned and leaned in, kissing the tip of his nose, then capturing Finn’s lips with his own. Finn responded, smiling against Poe’s mouth. The kiss was slow and lazy and lasted for a while. Eventually they broke apart, still lingering in each others’ space.

“We should probably get up,” Poe murmured. “We’ve got to get back to base before noon.”

Finn sighed.

“Can’t we just stay here forever?”

“Someday,” Poe promised. “But first we’ve gotta win this war.”

 

They got up and got dressed, then went out to the kitchen. Kes had cooked them breakfast for their last morning and they all sat around the table to eat. Once they had finished and helped clear up, Finn and Poe went to pack. Neither had brought much with them, just a few changes of clothes, so it didn’t take long. As they were double checking that they hadn’t forgotten anything, Poe went to his desk, staring at the sketchbook and pencil sitting there amongst the mess of papers. He glanced over at Finn, who was bent over, putting on his boots, then picked up the sketchbook and added it to his bag. 

“Ready to go?” he asked.

Finn straightened up.

“Yup.”

Kes escorted them outside to their speeder, where they said their goodbyes. Kes held Poe a little tighter than usual as they hugged.

“Be careful out there, son,” he said quietly. “Come home to me.”

“I will,” said Poe. “I promise.”

He pulled back to look at his father and was surprised to see tears in his eyes. Alarmed, he hugged him again, trying to pour into that embrace just how much he meant it.

“I _will_ come home, Dad,” he whispered. “I promise. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I’ll always worry. But thank you.”

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” Poe said, pulling back again. 

“You said that last time, you know,” said Kes.

“Yeah well, I’m closer now. Like, same planet closer. So I mean it this time.”

Kes smiled and ruffled Poe’s hair.

“Have a safe trip back,” he said.

“We will.”

Poe smiled at his dad, then he and Finn climbed into the speeder and took off. As he steered them through the jungle, Poe’s eyes stung and watered, and he knew it wasn’t because of the air flashing by. He always knew he couldn’t truly promise his father he’d come home again, but that never stopped him from saying it every time he visited. And with everything that had happened lately, it made the question he asked every time he went home echo all the more loudly in his ears: would he ever see his father again?

 

They arrived at the base just a few minutes past noon. Leia was waiting for them in the hangar and approached as they disembarked.

“General,” said Poe, grabbing his bag from behind his seat and slinging it over his shoulder. “I wasn’t expecting a welcome committee.” 

Leia gave him a look.

“That isn’t quite what this is,” she said. “I know you’ve only just gotten back, but I have a mission for you.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“We’ve managed to make contact with an important new ally, but they need protection in order to make it here safely,” Leia explained. “I need you and Black Squadron to serve as an escort.”

“Must be a pretty important ally,” said Poe. “When do we leave?”

“Tomorrow morning. I’ll brief you and your pilots then. For now, go unpack and get some rest.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Leia left and Poe turned to Finn.

“Well, I guess vacation’s over.”


	10. The Mission

The next morning, Finn was waiting for Poe in the hanger as he came from Leia’s office, Snap, Jess, and Karé in tow. It was good to see him back in his flightsuit, where he belonged, but the sight was bittersweet. They had spent the last few weeks almost constantly at each others’ side. It would be strange being apart. The others went to their x-wings, but Poe came over to Finn.

“Be careful out there, okay?” Finn said, placing his hands on Poe’s chest.

“It’s just an escort mission,” said Poe. “I’ll be back before you know I’m gone.”

“I mean it,” said Finn. “Be careful.”

“I will.”

They kissed, then Poe went to his ship. Finn watched as he climbed up, as BB-8 was loaded into the droid dock, as the windshield lowered, obscuring his view of Poe. Four engines started in unison, filling the hanger with noise. Then they were off. Finn sighed heavily. He’d known this day would come, when Poe would fly off and leave him behind to worry. But it didn’t make it any easier. The x-wings shrank and disappeared into the atmosphere, and Finn turned and went inside.

 

***

 

“Feels good to be flying with you guys again,” Poe said.

“It’s good to have you with us, Black Leader,” Karé said over the comms.

Poe smiled. It wasn’t Black One, but it felt like home all the same, being in the cockpit of an x-wing. Behind these controls was where he belonged.

“Alright, it’s an easy mission,” he said. “We go to the fifth moon, we pick up the senator, we come home. Nothing to it.”

“This senator must be one paranoid bastard if he needs four of the Resistance’s best pilots to escort him two systems over,” said Snap.

“Yeah, but we need all the help we can get,” said Poe. “We can’t afford to be picky. Paranoid bastard is better than nobody.”

“True.”

“Best be on our guard all the same,” said Jess.

They made the jump to light speed and soon arrived. Just ahead was a huge gaseous planet, swirling with purple clouds. Only the moons of this sector were inhabited, but getting the governments of these moons on their side was integral to their survival. 

One of their main exports were barely legal chemical weapons, formulated from the concentrated gases of the planet they orbited. That was definitely the kind of weapon they wanted to keep out of the First Order’s hands at all costs. They could suffocate entire settlements with one gas canister. Poe wondered vaguely whether keeping these weapons away from the First Order was their only goal or if they intended to use them themselves. 

They located the fifth moon and flew down to the surface. The senator and his guard were there to meet them on the landing platform, their shuttle already prepared for departure. Poe and the others got out of their ships and went over to him.

“I’m Commander Poe Dameron, I’ll be leading your escort to our base,” he said, holding out his hand.

The senator didn’t shake it.

“Very good. I will be sure to tell General Organa how much I appreciate her acquiescing to my request,” he said. “Let us depart.”

He beckoned to his guards and boarded his shuttle.

“Bit of a snob, if you ask me,” Poe muttered to Jess as they headed back to their x-wings.

“Like you said, we can’t afford to be picky,” Jess said.

They boarded their ships and were off once again. As they left the atmosphere and rounded the planet, BB-8 piped up.

_Sensors are picking something up ahead_.

Poe frowned.

“What kind of something, buddy?”

_Not sure. Metal._

“You sure it’s not just some of the mining equipment?”

_No, this wasn’t here before._

Poe frowned and turned on his comm mic.

“Guys, BB-8’s picking something up on his sensors,” he said. “Something metal. Could be nothing. But stay alert.”

The words had barely left his mouth when the tell-tale shrieking of TIE fighter engines split the air. Ten ships flew at them from where they had been hiding in the shadow of the next moon. 

“Shit!” Poe fired two shots at one of the TIEs and it exploded, but the rest kept coming. “Black Squadron, protect the senator’s ship at all costs!”

“Aye aye, Black Leader,” Karé said.

They flew into formation, creating a wall between the shuttle and the oncoming TIEs. At first, this seemed to work – they brought down half the enemy ships no problem. But then the fighters started to fire on them and they had to scatter in order to dodge the blasts. Everything descended into chaos. It was four against five, the TIEs constantly swooping in on the shuttle and the x-wings chasing them off. 

Poe managed to shoot down another TIE and it spun out of control before exploding. He whipped his ship around just in time to see the blast that had a moment ago been coming at him from behind. He barely had time to register it before it made contact with his ship. About a dozen alarms started blaring and Poe scrambled to fix it.

“BB-8, any luck back there?” he said.

_Everything is shutting down_.

“Dammit…” Poe took a deep breath. “Guys, I’m hit.”

“How bad is it?” Jess asked.

“Everything’s busted. I’ve got no weapons, no controls.”

“Just try to stay in the air, we’ll help you,” said Snap.

Poe swallowed hard and looked out the windshield. He was hurtling toward the planet’s surface, picking up speed as the planet’s gravity drew him in. He shook his head.

“It’s no good, Snap. You guys need to get out of here with the senator,” he said. “This is it.”

“No, Poe, we’ll get you out of this!” Snap said desperately.

“I’m sorry, guys. We had a good run.”

“Poe, no!”

Poe shut off his comms. He couldn’t listen to his friends’ desperate pleas. And he didn’t want them to have to hear him die. The thick gaseous clouds drew closer. There was no surface for him to crash into below. He’d asphyxiate on the gas and drift forever in those purple clouds. 

“I’m sorry, Finn,” he whispered. 

Then he closed his eyes.


	11. The Empty Coffin

Finn followed behind Leia as she marched to the hanger. She had just gotten a transmission from Black Squadron: they were nearly home. They stopped just inside as the x-wings led the shuttle in and landed. Finn frowned. Four x-wings had flown out, but only three had returned. He glanced at Leia, who was watching the pilots disembark with a grim expression. Finn turned back as the pilots and the new arrivals approached. His heart skipped a beat and for a moment it seemed as if all his senses had stopped working at once. Poe wasn’t there. A wave of panic washed over him and he felt like he was suffocating, his head spinning. Why wasn’t Poe here?

The pilots came to a halt in front of them.

“Report,” Leia said.

“The First Order knew we were coming. They attacked as soon as the transport was in space,” said Jess. “Poe took a hit, he lost all controls… his ship fell through the planet’s atmosphere. There was nothing we could do. It was all we could do to get the rest of us out alive.”

“You did well, Pava,” Leia said. “Please escort our guests to their quarters, then get some rest.”

Jess and the others left, leaving Leia and Finn on the tarmac. Leia bowed her head, her eyes closed. 

“We have to go look for him,” Finn said, his voice shaking. “His ship didn’t blow up, it just crashed…”

“It’s a gaseous planet, Finn,” Leia said, looking up at him sadly. “Even if his ship didn’t blow up or catch fire, he wouldn’t have made it. The gasses would kill him in minutes.”

“But he’s got life support, right?” said Finn. “If we hurry –“

Leia shook her head.

“I’m sorry, Finn. He’s gone.”

Then she turned and left. Finn watched her go, that suffocating weight returning and settling in his chest. Poe couldn’t be dead. He just couldn’t be. Not now, not yet. He couldn’t believe it.

He realized with a sinking feeling that this was exactly what Poe had been talking about, what felt like an age ago. He knew that if he lost Poe in this war, more likely than not there would be no body to bury. But knowing didn’t make this any easier. It didn’t make the news of Poe’s death any more real. A desperate, irrational part of him still clung to that lack of proof, foolishly giving him hope that maybe if he just stood out here on the tarmac long enough, Poe would come flying in like a whirlwind, apologizing for being late as he crashed into Finn’s arms. 

And so there he stood. His legs felt like jelly, but he couldn’t bring himself to sit down because sitting down felt like giving up, and he couldn’t do that, not if there was any chance, any at all. No one _saw_ Poe die, there was no body, so how could they know? So he stood and he waited. He had lost track of time completely by the time Rey came looking for him. She came out into the hangar silently and stood beside him. It was only when she took his hand that he finally tore his eyes away from the patch of sky he’d been watching slowly change to pink.

“Leia told me what happened,” Rey said. “She said you’d be out here. Waiting.”

“Nobody saw him die, Rey,” said Finn.

“I know. But I also know that you know the truth.”

Finn’s bottom lip trembled and he hung his head.

“It doesn’t seem real.”

“I know. I can hardly believe it…” said Rey. She paused a moment. “Leia said there’ll be a memorial tonight. Maybe that’ll help it feel a little more real.”

Finn nodded. His throat felt tight.

“I was going to tell him I love him tonight,” he whispered.

Then the tears began to fall and his knees gave out. 

“Oh Finn,” Rey said sadly.

She knelt down and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him close. Finn sank into the embrace, sobbing until he was utterly numb.

 

***

 

Finn sat on Poe’s side of the bed, staring around the room, taking in the scattered remnants of proof that Poe Dameron once lived here, that he had been here only this morning. The jacket tossed over the back of a chair, the boots by the door, BB-8’s charging port. _Shit_. In his grief, Finn had nearly forgotten about the droid. BB-8 had gone down with his master. Another pang of sorrow shot through Finn’s chest at the thought. 

Suddenly there was a soft knock at the door and Finn jumped, torn from his trance. The door slid open and Rey stepped inside.

“It’s time,” she said.

Finn nodded, but didn’t move.

“How are you doing?” Rey asked.

Finn just shrugged. Rey sighed and came over to kneel in front of him, taking his hands.

“Come on,” she said softly.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Finn said. 

“I know. But you should. I really think it’ll help.”

“I don’t know if I want it to.”

“Finn…”

“I don’t _want_ to accept it. I don’t want to believe he’s gone.”

“You have to,” said Rey, her voice cracking. “I don’t want to believe it either. But Poe is dead. And if you don’t try to accept that, it’ll drive you mad. You’ll spend the rest of your life just waiting and you’ll never stop being disappointed. Trust me, I know what that feels like. It’s the loneliest thing in the world.”

Finn sighed wearily and nodded. Rey stood up and gently pulled him to his feet.

“Come on,” she said. “We don’t want to be late.”

Finn let Rey lead the way as they walked hand in hand to a part of the base Finn hadn’t ventured to before. They stepped through a set of huge double doors into an enormous ceremony hall. The room was obviously meant to hold several hundred people, but the tiny ranks of the Resistance were all gathered near the front of the room. At the very end of the room was a stage with a small flight of stairs leading up to it, and in the center of the stage stood a single casket draped in a black flag that bore the Resistance symbol. 

Finn’s heart ached. Rey had been right – just the sight of that casket brought a sharp stab of reality. At last they reached the small crowd and joined the front row next to Poe’s squadron. They were all dressed in their formal uniforms and each of them had a black band around their left sleeve. Finn glanced across the aisle to the other half of the row. It was mostly officers, but standing closest to the aisle, his face a mask of forced stoicism, was Poe’s father. 

Finn swallowed hard and turned to face the front as Leia climbed the steps onto the stage and stood beside the casket. She paused a moment, her back to them, and laid a hand on the casket. Then she turned to face them. 

“Today we mourn the loss of a brave soldier, an astonishing pilot, and a good man. Poe Dameron was the embodiment of everything the Resistance stands for. He believed in this cause with every fiber of his being, and our ranks will feel his absence profoundly.” She paused, resting her hand on the casket again. “This coffin is empty. Every pilot knows that this, more likely than not, will be their fate in death. It can be difficult for those left behind; the painful finality of it, combined with uncertainty, no proof to help us cope with the truth. But though he seems to be gone, in every sense of the word, Poe will never truly leave us. The spark of his spirit lives on in the heart of every person he loved and who loved him. The Force was with him in life, and it will be with his soul forever in death.”

Leia fell silent and bowed her head, her eyes closed. Her hand that lay on the casket balled into a fist, wrinkling the smooth fabric of the flag. Then she relaxed again and opened her eyes, letting her fingers trail over the casket as she walked away and descended the steps.

 

The service moved unofficially to the mess hall. Some people had peeled off to continue working or to mourn quietly by themselves, but those who knew Poe best had gathered around one of the larger tables. Snap Wexley poured out several glasses of Poe’s favorite Yavin whiskey and passed them around, then held up his own drink.

“To Poe Dameron,” he said solemnly.

Everyone echoed the toast, then there was silence as they all drank. Finn downed way more of his drink at once than he should have and grimaced as the alcohol burned his throat and made his head swim. People started mingling, pairing off or clustering into little groups, but Finn just drifted along the edges of everything. He didn’t much feel like talking and he didn’t want to be piled in condolences. He glanced around the room and noticed Poe’s father again, sitting by himself at a table far removed from the crowd, an empty glass between his hands. Finn picked up a bottle from the main table and went over to him.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked.

Kes looked up at him.

“Of course,” he said, gesturing to an empty seat. Finn sat down and held up the bottle inquisitively. Kes nodded and Finn refilled his glass for him, refilled his own glass, then set the bottle on the table.

“I’m so sorry,” Finn said quietly. 

Kes placed a hand over Finn’s and smiled at him sadly. Finn’s chest ached – there was far too much of Poe in that look.

“There’s no need for apologies,” he said. “I always feared I would outlive my son. It’s an unnatural state of things, parents burying their children. It shouldn’t be allowed. But I had years with him. You had so little time, and I can tell that you loved him very much.”

“I did. I do.”

“It isn’t fair. None of it. I lost a son and you lost a future.”

Finn bit his lip and took a drink to wash away the lump forming in his throat. Just then, Leia approached their table. 

“I hope you don’t mind if I join,” she said.

“You know you’re always welcome at my table, Leia,” Kes said.

Leia smiled at him and sat down.

“That was a beautiful speech you gave,” Kes continued. “Thank you.”

“It was the least I could do,” said Leia. “He deserved so much better than this.”

“He died fighting for the Resistance,” said Kes. “It’s how he’d have wanted it.”

“I know.” Leia turned to Finn. “How are you holding up?”

Finn shrugged.

“I dunno. I just… it still doesn’t seem real. I thought the memorial would help, and it did a little, but… the coffin was empty.”

Leia nodded knowingly.

“A pilot’s death is an open wound. The only thing that can close it is time.”

 

It was late by the time Finn finally made it back to his room. He was more than a little drunk, but had brushed off everyone’s offers to help him out. He took off his shoes and jacket, then collapsed on the bed. Even now he left room, as though Poe would be joining him. He curled up on his side, staring at the empty pillow next to him. A couple dark hairs lay on the white fabric. All that was left…

Finn leapt to his feet and ran to the bathroom, barely reaching the sink before he threw up. He turned on the faucet and stood there catching his breath as the water washed the sink clean. He splashed some water on his face and turned off the tap, then went back to bed. This time, he had barely laid down before he fell asleep.


	12. Castaway

Poe came to slowly and painfully. He pried his eyes open and glanced around as his brain struggled to catch up. 

“I’m… alive?” he said at last.

His voice was hoarse as though he had a cold, and uttering those two words threw him into a coughing fit. Once he recovered, he sat up a little straighter, took off his helmet, and opened the top hatch of his ship. He gingerly hoisted himself from the cockpit and climbed down, then inspected his surroundings. A chill went up his spine – this place gave him the creeps. It was bleak, the sky dark with purple clouds that no sunbeam could penetrate. The air was uncannily still; not even a hint of a breeze, making everything feel stagnant. He had crashed in a rocky field, and nearby was a forest that looked straight out of a horror holofilm. But other than that, there wasn’t much more he could see. The twilit darkness and purple fog made for terrible visibility, which made Poe nervous. If anyone – or anything – was living here, he wouldn’t see them coming until it was too late.

Having seen what he could of the area, Poe turned to his ship. Just from first glance, he could tell things were in bad shape. They had to be, to have completely knocked out his controls like that, to the point where not even BB-8 could… _shit_. He’d nearly forgotten about BB-8. Heart flying into overdrive, Poe scrambled up the side of the ship to get to the co-pilot port.

“BB-8!” he called. “BB-8, are you okay?!?”

At the sound of his voice, the droid’s lights flashed on and he turned his head, beeping frantically.

“Buddy! Oh, thank the Force. Are you alright? Are you stuck?”

_I’m okay. Are you?_

“I’m fine, buddy. Come on, let’s get you out of there.”

With a little bit of effort, Poe managed to get the loading gear unjammed and BB-8 was lowered to the ground. Poe hopped down and went to kneel beside him.

_Where are we?_ the droid asked.

“The planet surface. I guess it wasn’t gaseous after all. Just… cloudy.”

BB-8 popped out a scanner and read the area.

_The clouds do have a gaseous composition, but they’re thin enough down here that it’s barely noticeable._

“Fantastic,” Poe muttered. “So I’m gonna be breathing in some mystery gas until I can get us out of here. If it doesn’t kill me first.”

He sighed. If he was going to get home, he’d have to plan. Every starfighter was stocked with emergency supplies, but it was never enough to last as long as Poe would need, judging by the state of his x-wing. He got to his feet and climbed back up to the cockpit.

First, oxygen. He’d need to make sure he had enough to get home. But, if he could, he’d like to have some to use here. So far, the clouds hadn’t effected him much. But he didn’t want to risk any damage that prolonged exposure might cause. If there was enough oxygen on board, he could ration it out, take hits of it if he got too short of breath. Poe dug out a flashlight and shone it on the oxygen tank meter, then let out a sigh of relief. The tank at least had not been damaged in the crash, and he still had nearly a full supply. He would have enough to get him home and get some fresh air while he was stranded here, if he was smart about it.

Next step, food. This was where things would get a little tricky. He had one meal pack with enough for three days, on standard rationing. And he was definitely going to be here longer than three days. He went through the portions, doing math in his head, arranging things into little stacks then rearranging, until finally he packed it all up again and sighed heavily. If he stretched his rations as much as he could, he could make them last a little over a week. But he’d be essentially starving every day. And if the repairs took longer than that, he’d have nothing left to eat.

He sighed and set the meal pack aside. Now for the moment of truth, the thing that would decide how long he could survive: water. He picked up the canteen and unscrewed the cap, then sighed in relief. It was completely full. Still, he’d have to ration this too, and if he ran out before he was ready to leave, he’d have very limited time before he died of dehydration. He’d have to determine how long repairs would take before trying to ration it out.

Lastly, he checked the med pack. There were bandages, bacta strips, and painkillers, all in moderate quantities. So long as he didn’t get himself too badly hurt, he should be okay. He set the med pack with the rest of his supplies and climbed back down from the cockpit. It was time to assess the damage. 

He and BB-8 circled the ship, cataloging everything that would need to be fixed. The most obvious damage had come from the crash, but all that would be much easier to fix than what had brought them down in the first place. The blast had hit them in a critical place, frying the part of the engine that controlled all the finer functions of the ship. It would take a lot of tedious work to get everything up and running again. He could fly with the external damage, but he wouldn’t even be able to start the engine until every wire was back in place on those controls.

Poe sighed heavily and sat down next to BB-8. By his calculations, he had a week and a half worth of supplies, if he really stretched things, and at least two weeks worth of repairs. Those were not very promising odds. Sure, he could last a little while without food or water, but with how thin rations would be leading up to that, his survival time would most definitely be cut in half at the very least. 

“I’ll just have to fix it really fast, that’s all.”

Poe sighed again and looked up at the impenetrable sky. 

“I’ll come home, Finn. I promise.”


	13. Those Left Behind

“POE!”

Finn woke up in a cold sweat, the image of Poe’s terrified face still flashing before his eyes. He caught his breath for a moment, then groaned, burying his face in his hands. After several minutes, he reemerged and looked at the clock: nearly five in the morning. Well, that was a reasonably acceptable time to get up.

He got out of bed and immediately grabbed the wall for support as his head spun nauseatingly. When he’d steadied himself, he went to the bathroom and undressed, then got in the shower. He stood there and let the hot water stream over him, then washed quickly and got out. Once he was dressed, he left his room and went to the mess, where he got a single slice of toast and a big cup of caf. Then he went outside.

He wandered a bit until he found the place he and Poe had talked their first night on Yavin IV. He couldn’t climb up to the ledge with his breakfast, so he sat on the ground below to eat and watch the sunrise. Slowly the sky transformed from pink to blood red as the sun climbed onto the horizon. The ruddy light streamed through the trees, casting an ominous glow over everything. Soon, the red faded to orange as the sun moved higher. Finn finished off the last of his caf, then got up to go back inside.

As he crossed the hanger, he was surprised to see Rose there, working on one of the x-wings. He glanced around. None of the other mechanics were here. Just her. He changed course and went over.

“You’re up early,” he said.

“So are you,” Rose shot back.

It sounded like she’d been crying. She set down her wrench and climbed down from the ship.

“What are you doing?” Finn asked.

“Checking the other x-wings,” Rose replied. “And… making sure it wasn’t my modifications that made Poe’s controls fail after just one hit.”

Finn let out a heavy sigh.

“It wasn’t your fault. That could’ve happened to anyone, to any ship.”

“I know, I know,” said Rose, wringing her hands. “But I can’t help it. I didn’t sleep all night, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I just kept wondering if…”

She trailed off into a sob. Finn stepped forward and hugged her. She buried her face in his chest.

“It’s not your fault,” Finn said softly. 

“I know.” Rose sniffled and emerged from the hug to look at him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“The hug. And trying to make me feel better.”

“You’re my friend,” said Finn. “Of course I want to make you feel better.”

“This has got to be harder for you than any of us,” said Rose. “It’s not fair making you comfort other people…”

Finn shrugged.

“Like I said. I wanted to.”

Rose smiled a little.

“You’re too nice for your own good.” She sighed and dried her face on her sleeve. “I should get back to work.”

“Okay,” said Finn. “See you later?”

“Yeah.”

Finn gave her a wave and left the hanger. He wandered the halls for a bit and eventually found himself back at his room. Not sure what else to do, he went inside. The door closed behind him and he stood, staring around the room. The place felt haunted now. Like a shadow of Poe still lingered there, tethered to the room. Finn swallowed hard. There was too much here to remind him of Poe. He had never been bothered by Poe’s messiness before, but now that he was gone, each possession scattered across the room felt like a stab in the chest.

He flew into action, gathering up discarded clothing and whatever else he could find of Poe’s and shoving it haphazardly in the closet. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it, hanging his head. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, maybe minutes, maybe an hour. At last he straightened up and turned to inspect the room. It was almost worse now. Finn had so few belongings of his own. The room felt so empty, barren, without Poe’s mess. 

With a sigh, Finn shuffled across the room and flopped down onto the bed, still leaving that empty space beside him where Poe should be. As he did, a sheet of paper fell from the nightstand and fluttered to the floor. He turned to stare at it, then reached over the edge of the bed to pick it up. He held it up to look at it and felt as if he’d been stabbed again, this time right in the heart. It was the sketch Poe had done of him under the Force Tree. Could that really have been just a few days ago? Finn held the drawing to his chest and closed his eyes as tears welled up and crept down his temples to his hairline. 

He opened his eyes again and got up. He went to the desk and dug around until he found some tape, then went back and knelt on the bed. He tore off a little piece of tape and gently attached the drawing to the wall above his pillow. Sniffling, he dried his face on his sleeve.

Suddenly there was a quiet knock on the door. For a moment, Finn considered not answering. Then he cleared his throat.

“Come in,” he called.

The door opened and Rey stepped inside.

“Hi,” she said. “How are you feeling?”

Finn just shrugged.

“I just came by to see if you’d gotten breakfast yet,” Rey said.

Finn blinked. He’d almost forgotten how early he’d gotten up.

“I kinda did,” he said. “It wasn’t much though. And it was early.”

“Did you want to come get something else to eat with me?” Rey asked.

Again, Finn considered declining. But staying in here wasn’t an appealing prospect.

“Sure.”

He got to his feet and glanced back at his room. It just didn’t feel right.

“Hang on,” he said.

He went to the closet and opened the door. A couple of things he’d shoved in there before toppled out. He stared down at them, then picked them up. A pair of boots and a jacket. Finn closed the closet door again. As he crossed the room, he draped the jacket over the back of a chair. When he reached the door, he set the boots beside it, as if they were waiting to be put on before heading out for the day. Then he turned to Rey.

“Okay, let’s go.”


	14. Night Eternal

This was already hell. Poe had eaten but he was still hungry, had drank but was still thirsty. The perpetual darkness put him on edge, and the poor air quality made his throat burn. And to top it all off, he’d worked on his ship for hours and gotten nowhere. All he’d managed to do was take things apart, and with all those pieces spread out around him, it made the whole thing seem ten times more daunting than it had before. 

“This’ll take a month before I can get it working,” he said, throwing down his wrench in frustration. It kicked up a little cloud of dust as it landed. “I don’t _have_ a month. I’ve got _two weeks_ and if it’s not done by then, I die.”

He kicked the wheel on his x-wing and stormed a few yards away. He stood there for a moment and tried to cool down, but instead he just wheeled back around to face his x-wing.

“What’s the point, then?!” he shouted at the ship. “What’s the point in trying to fix you if I’m not gonna live long enough to get off this piece of shit planet? Might as well just give up and let myself die, right? Or just shoot myself in the head, that would be faster.”

There was a quiet beeping at his ankles and Poe looked down to see BB-8 staring up at him. Even without the ability to make facial expressions, Poe could tell the droid was scared.

_Poe?_ the droid beeped tentatively.

“I’m sorry, buddy,” Poe sighed. He sat down on the ground next to BB-8. 

_Are you okay?_

“Not really.” Poe turned to stare at the x-wing again and at the discouraging mess of parts scattered on the ground. “I’m just not used to giving up this fast.”

_You’re giving up?_

Poe sighed again.

“No. I guess not. Hope’s just been a little hard to come by lately, and this bitch of a situation isn’t helping.”

BB-8 gently nudged his leg and Poe turned back to him, smiling sadly.

“I’ll get us out of this. We’re gonna get home. I don’t wanna die here.”

Poe rubbed the droid’s head and got to his feet, then went back to the ship. He stared around at all the pieces, then climbed the ladder to the cockpit. He settled in and closed his eyes. This wasn’t the first time he’d had to sleep in his x-wing, but this time was harder. This was the first time he’d slept alone in weeks. Since before Finn. If he had a nightmare (which seemed more than likely at the moment), he’d wake up in a metal box with only himself to chase away the demons. The thought made the prospect of sleep less than welcoming. But he was exhausted, and he’d need his energy to get this ship fixed and get home. He shifted a little to get more comfortable and did his best to quiet his noisy thoughts. 

 

Poe awoke with a hoarse shout and sat bolt upright. For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he was, and that panicked him further. But then it all came back and he groaned miserably, curling his knees up to his chest and burying his face in them. It was no substitute for Finn’s embrace, but it did help a little. Slowly, he caught his breath. By the time he managed to stop shaking, he had all but forgotten what he had dreamt about. But the feeling of it was still there, a dark pit in his chest threatening to claw its way out and consume him. 

He lifted his head and looked up at the sky: still that impenetrable darkness. There was no day on this planet. That alone would certainly drive Poe mad. That and a hundred other things about this place. If he made it home even remotely sane – if he made it home at all – it would be a damn miracle. With a weary sigh, he climbed down from the cockpit and got back to work.


	15. Waiting

The last four days had crawled by at glacial pace. Finn hadn’t been aware time could move so slowly. Things were slow around the base in general, and it seemed everyone was determined to keep Finn from having to work. Finn wasn’t sure if he was grateful or annoyed about this. On the one hand, he really didn’t have the energy to work on much of anything, but on the other, doing nothing allowed him to dwell just a little too much. 

He spent most of his time either in the hangar or wandering the grounds. Anywhere he could watch the sky. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but a part of him was still waiting, expecting Poe to show up. He knew the others suspected. He could see the way Poe’s squadron looked at him whenever he ran into them in the hangar, how Rey and Rose exchanged a look whenever they asked him about his day. But honestly, he didn’t care what any of them thought. It was what he had to do. 

At this point, he wasn’t even sure if he was still actually hopeful or if it had just become some weird coping mechanism. But he had to do it, just like he’d had to set out Poe’s jacket and boots as if they were waiting for him to don them once again. He’d tried shoving it all away, tried to accept, but it had lasted all of twenty minutes. He couldn’t make the change to living without Poe all at once. He had to ease into it. And that meant waiting, until he couldn’t wait anymore.

 

It was the first time it had rained since they’d arrived on Yavin IV. Finn sat at the edge of the hangar, leaning against the wall and watching the rain fall, counting the seconds between lighting flashes and the low rumbles of distant thunder. The storm was growing closer. If his math was correct, it would be right over them in half an hour. Finn hadn’t decided yet whether he’d go inside when it arrived.

“Finn.”

He looked up and found Snap Wexley standing over him.

“Hi,” Finn said. 

“Kind of a nasty day to be out here, don’t you think?” Snap said.

Finn just shrugged.

“It’s kinda peaceful in a way.”

Snap watched him curiously for a moment, then sat on a nearby crate.

“Are you doing okay?” Snap asked.

Oh no. They were going to have _that_ conversation. Finn had been avoiding it with Rey and Rose for days, and they were his closest friends. He barely knew Snap, had only talked to him a few times. He wasn’t sure he could open up to him. But then again, he was one of Poe’s best friends. Maybe talking to someone who really knew Poe would help.

“I don’t know,” Finn said truthfully. 

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Snap sighed.

Finn looked at him in surprise.

“You do?”

“Poe is like a brother to me. Was,” Snap corrected himself. “I wake up most mornings forgetting he’s gone.”

“Lucky,” said Finn. “All I have to do is roll over and I’m reminded.”

“It’s not so lucky, really. The remembering again is the worst.”

They fell silent for a moment. There was another roll of thunder; the storm was nearly to them now.

“How do you do it?” Snap asked suddenly.

“Do what?”

“Keep going. After losing him. I keep thinking about it… what I would do if I lost Karé like that. I honestly don’t know if I could survive it.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure I’ll survive it either,” said Finn.

“But you have so far. How?”

“I just… remind myself to keep breathing. I talk myself through every little thing. Okay, now it’s time to get out of bed. Now you need to eat.”

“Sounds exhausting.”

“It is,” Finn admitted. “But mostly… I come out here.”

“You’re still waiting for him, aren’t you?” Snap said.

“Maybe… I think I am… I’m not always sure.”

Snap gave him a pitying look.

“The sooner you accept he’s not coming back, the better. Trust me,” he said. “He _did_ give you the talk, right?”

“The talk?”

“The ‘you’re dating a fighter pilot, here’s what to do when I die’ talk.”

“Oh. Yeah. He did.”

“Well, listen to him. Waiting will eat you up from the inside. I know it’s hard. I find myself looking out sometimes, thinking he’s coming back. But you can’t wait forever.”

Finn sighed. There was a flash of lightning immediately followed by a deafening thunder clap. The storm had arrived.

“I know,” he said, barely audible above the noise.

“It’ll get better,” Snap said. “It’ll suck for a while, but eventually it’ll get easier.”

“Yeah? When?” Finn said wearily.

“I don’t know, buddy. I don’t know.”

 

Finn didn’t sleep that night. Every time he tried, his eyes snapped back open minutes later, his heart hammering. Eventually he rolled over to face the empty side of the bed. Slowly he reached out and touched the pillow where Poe’s head should be.

“I miss you,” he whispered. “So much.”

A tear rolled down his cheek.

“Can you just… do one thing for me? One miracle? Please, just… stop being dead. For me. I’ll do anything you want if you just stop this. Come home, Poe. Come back to me.”


	16. Praying to No One

Poe really wasn’t sure how many days had gone by. Time was arbitrary when there were no sunrises and sunsets to count by. He’d made a bit of progress since his fit of hopelessness on the first day, but it was still much slower going than he’d like. He had limited tools and it was making the finer details harder to fix. It didn’t help that he was constantly hungry and never got more than one or two hours of sleep at a time.

To make matters worse, he could tell that this planet’s atmosphere was starting to affect him. At first it started with feeling short of breath. But very quickly he developed a cough. It wasn’t much at first, but he could tell that it was starting to get worse. His throat had been burning since he got here, and his stingy water rations weren’t helping, but now his lungs had begun to burn as well. For now, it wasn’t enough to worry about. But he knew that, just like the cough, it would only get worse the longer he stayed here.

 

***

 

If he’d been portioning out his rations correctly, Poe figured he’d been on this planet a week now. He could probably ask BB-8 but there was no guarantee the droid’s count would be correct – Poe had been making him power down frequently after realizing on what he was pretty sure was the second day that he had no way of recharging BB-8 if he ran out of power before they could leave. 

The ship was only about a quarter of the way done. It should have been halfway by now, if it had really been a week, and Poe was starting to get discouraged again. He only had food left for a few more days, and there was still so much work to be done. 

Poe swore loudly and threw down the pliers as he got shocked by the navigation relay for the fifth time that day. Flexing his sore fingers, he stormed away from the ship. He couldn’t get anything done when he was fuming like this, especially not something that required so much patience. He paced for a while, hoping to work off some pent up frustration, then sat down on a rock with his chin in his hands. He sat and stared at the ship in irritable silence, absentmindedly rubbing at the beard that had grown in since he crashed. 

“Why did it have to be like this?” he wondered aloud. “Why did I have to get stuck on this hellscape?”

There was no answer. There was nobody around to answer.

“I almost wish I had just blown up when that shot hit me. Then at least it would’ve been certain. Bang, I’m dead. Quick and easy. Like this… there’s still a chance. There’s that little gleam of hope that I _might_ get out of this alive, but it’s such a slim chance… deep down, I know I’m gonna die here. But there’s still that _hope_ , that damn hope. And I’m still gonna keep trying to survive until the moment I drop dead. Don’t you think that’s kinda cruel?”

Poe chuckled humorlessly.

“I don’t know who I’m asking, honestly. I doubt there’s any gods looking over _this_ planet. And the Force…. well, I thought the Force was everywhere, but it really doesn’t feel like it’s here. If it was… I’d like to think this might all be just a little less doomed. But what do I know.”

Poe sighed.

“I guess I’m probably starting to go crazy now. Talking to myself like this. Or at least I think I’m talking to myself. There’s no one else around. But, well…. the silence is torture. And… I don’t suppose I’ve ever really been the religious type. I’ve always believed in the Force and everything, but… I’m thirty-two years old and I’ve never prayed to anyone or anything in my life. Until today, I suppose. But I’m desperate. I don’t know if I can get out of this on my own. Not this time. So… if there’s anyone listening, anyone at all… all I’m asking is for just a little help. I don’t need much. Just… make this a little less impossible.”


	17. There's a Pain Goes On and On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title: empty chairs at empty tables from les miserables

One week had passed since Poe’s death. Finn couldn’t get out of bed that day. He just lay there, never sleeping, rarely moving. He ignored every knock on his door. Gladly, none of them tried to come in. They all seemed to realize he needed space today. 

When night came around again, he finally got up. His body ached from being in bed so long and he was hungry, and it would be much easier to avoid people now that night had fallen. He couldn’t be bothered to make an effort, so he slipped on some boots and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders, then wandered out into the base in his boxer shorts and one of Poe’s old t-shirts; it still smelled a little like him.

Eventually he found the kitchen and began rummaging around for something to eat. He didn't have much cooking experience and he didn’t have the energy to make anything, but after a while he found some canned soup. He poured it out into a sauce pan and turned on the stove. Getting impatient, he turned the heat up. A mistake as it turned out, because not five minutes later, the soup started sizzling and sticking to the bottom of the pot. 

“Shit…”

Finn grabbed a spoon and stirred the soup, scraping the burning soup from the pot. He turned the heat back down and let it finish heating, then poured the soup into a bowl and examined the bottom of the pot with a grimace. There was a layer of crusted, burnt soup stuck inside that would be an absolute bitch to clean out. He put the pot in the sink and filled it with water, then grabbed his bowl. He turned to the table in the middle of the kitchen and nearly dropped his bowl – General Organa was sitting there.

“Sorry to startle you,” she said.

“How long have you been there?” Finn asked.

“This whole time.”

“So… you saw that whole fiasco.”

“You’re not the first person to get impatient with a pot of soup, Finn,” Leia said. “Now are you going to eat that? Because if you prefer cold soup, you could’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble.”

“Right.”

Finn sat down on the other side of the table and started to eat, occasionally casting a glance in the general’s direction. She was sipping a mug of caf, which was odd for the middle of the night, but Finn supposed he couldn’t be the only person who had trouble sleeping.

“How are you holding up?” Leia asked after several minutes of silence.

“No offense, but I spent all day avoiding that question,” said Finn. “Do I have to answer it now?”

Leia half smiled.

“No, you don’t have to answer. I think the fact that the two of us are sitting in the kitchen at midnight is answer enough.”

Finn looked over at her and felt a twinge of guilt and pity. Besides Kes, Leia had known Poe the longest of anyone. She’d known him since he was a child, and was clearly very fond of him. But she’d had to bear his death silently, setting her grief aside for the sake of duty. All of this had to be just as hard on her as it was on him, but she had a rebellion to run while Finn was able to hide in his room when he couldn’t stand to face the world.

“Poe told me about… everything,” he said suddenly. 

Leia nodded. Finn knew he didn’t need to elaborate.

“I wondered if he would. And I’m glad he did. It’s a testament to how much you meant to him. That’s not a story he would tell to just anyone.” She fell silent for a while before continuing. “I was always very fond of Poe. He was a good kid. But meeting him again after all those years and seeing the man he’d become… I was proud. I still am. Even more now than I was then. He became like a son to me, and I regret never telling him that.”

“I think he knew,” Finn said.

Leia smiled sadly.

“I hope so. Under all that confidence, he was always so desperate for approval. Especially mine. I hope he knew he had it.”

They fell silent again. Finn stared down at his empty soup bowl and absentmindedly twirled the spoon between his fingers. 

“Does it ever get any easier?” he said at last.

“Supposedly,” Leia said. “I’ll let you know when I find out.”

She got to her feet with a sigh.

“You should try to get some rest,” she said. 

“It’s hard sleeping without him.”

“I know.”

Leia came around the table and pulled him into a hug. Finn froze for a second, surprised, then returned the hug, frowning a little in confusion. He wasn’t used to this. From Poe or Rey or Rose, sure. But Leia was his commanding officer. She shouldn’t be comforting him like this. But Leia had never been a normal general, he supposed. She’d just admitted to him that she’d considered Poe her son; was that what this was? Or something like it? Finn wasn’t sure he’d recognize it if it were. But whatever this was, he liked it. Being comforted by someone he looked up to and admired, who didn’t try to explain things that didn’t need explaining but instead just listened and offered her sympathy. Was this what having a mother was like?

Eventually, Leia pulled back, placing a gentle hand on his cheek. Finn attempted a smile, but he was out of practice.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

“Go get some sleep,” Leia said.

Finn nodded and stood up.

“Good night,” he said.

“Good night, Finn.”

Finn left and returned to his room. As the door slid shut behind him, he glanced around. It still seemed so empty without Poe, the bed still too big for just one person. But something had changed. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, but it felt like something had settled in his chest, like something had been falling inside of him and had finally landed. 

He bent down and picked up the boots that sat by the door. Then he went to the chair and picked up the jacket draped over the back of it. He went to the closet and opened the door, then hesitated. Taking a deep breath, he set the boots inside, then hung up the jacket and closed the door again. Then he turned and went to bed.

 

The next day, Finn did not go to the hangar.


	18. Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning this chapter contains some violence and other pretty disturbing stuff

The food had run out. There were only a few more mouthfuls of water, enough for another day. There wasn’t much time left.

Poe had made progress on the ship. He’d barely slept the last few days (or what he thought were days), but he was getting close. Unfortunately there was still at least two more days’ worth of work and he’d be starving, actually starving. He’d inspected the nearby woods out of desperation but there were no plants that seemed edible. Even if there were, he wasn’t sure he’d want to risk it. 

“It’s okay,” he told himself. “It’ll suck, but I can live without food for a while.”

He decided not to think too hard about how little water he had left, or about the fact that his cough had gotten worse. He couldn’t catch his breath at all anymore, and he had frequent coughing fits that left him gasping for several minutes. He’d be more concerned, but mostly he was annoyed – he kept having to take breaks and it was slowing him down. 

 

BB-8 sat quietly under the x-wing, only a single light blinking to indicate he was still in there. The droid had remained in low power mode for the last few days, attempting to conserve what little energy he had left, and it was unbelievably lonely. Poe kept glancing over at him as he worked, wishing for someone to talk to besides himself. 

“Just get this finished, and you’ll get to talk to as many people as you like,” he muttered.

He tightened a bolt, then froze. He could swear he heard something. This planet was so silent apart from his own noise. Any sound he didn’t recognize was as obvious to him as a scream. He stood completely still, barely breathing, and listened. There it was again: footsteps. Quiet and slow, like someone was sneaking up on…. well, there was only one person they could be sneaking up on. 

Poe whipped around, holding up his wrench in defense. Just a few feet away, holding up a knife, was a man. But he was like no human man Poe had ever seen. His skin was ghostly pale from never seeing sunlight, and his hair was pure white. He wasn’t an old man, he couldn’t have been much older than Poe, but something about this planet had drained all color from him, even his hair. All of this made his eyes stand out all the more, so dark they were almost black.

For a moment, the two of them just stood there, staring at each other. Then the man shouted something in a language Poe didn’t understand. 

“It’s okay, I’m not here to hurt you,” Poe said, trying to make his voice as calm as possible. The man wouldn’t understand his words, but maybe he would understand his tone. “My ship crashed and I’m just trying to fix it so I can get home.”

The man said something again, gesturing at the ship with a suspicious glare.

“Yeah, that’s my ship. It’s how I travel, in space.” Poe pointed up at the sky, though he wasn’t sure the man would get his meaning. 

The man scowled at him, clearly confused, considering. Then he lunged forward, his knife aimed for Poe’s throat. Poe dodged and spun back around, holding his wrench out in front of him.

“I don’t want to hurt you, I’m just trying to get home,” he said.

But of course it was no use. The man pounced again and Poe swung his wrench, knocking the knife from his hand. The man scrambled toward the knife but Poe beat him to it. He turned around just as the man dove forward and the blade sunk deep into the man’s chest. Poe’s eyes widened in horror as the man tensed, gasping in shock and pain.

“Oh no. No no no,” Poe said frantically. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

But the man couldn’t understand him. He staggered backward away from the blade in Poe’s hand and a fresh fountain of blood poured out over his chest from the open wound. Then he fell to the ground, dead.

Poe stood over the body, bloodstained hands shaking. He’d killed before, plenty of times. He had to, he was a soldier. But this was different. So different. He’d always killed with a blaster, or from the far more removed position of his cockpit. This was way too personal. Just a tiny knife, the man’s own knife. And now he was covered in another man’s blood. Poe stared down at the man’s face, even paler than in life, his eyes fixed blankly up at him. 

Poe dropped the knife and backpedaled until he hit the side of his x-wing, then sank to the ground, struggling to catch his breath. He went to bury his face in his hands, then stopped at the sight of them, stained scarlet. He quickly wiped them off on his pants, then wrapped his arms around his knees and buried his face. He took as deep of breaths as he could and slowly started to calm down. 

At last he reemerged and turned his attention back to the body. He wasn’t sure what to do with it. He had no tools to bury the man, and even if he did, it would be a waste of what little strength and energy he had. But it felt wrong to just leave him there. Besides, he didn’t think he could handle hanging around with the corpse of the man he’d just murdered. 

“Self defense,” Poe corrected himself. “It was self defense.”

After very little debate, he decided to take a nap and deal with it afterward. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally, and though he knew by now that sleep would hardly fix that, it was a much more preferable option than the alternative. So he got to his feet and climbed up into the cockpit.

A few hours later, he woke, feeling even more groggy and sluggish than the last time he’d slept. He slowly climbed down the ladder, slipping a few rungs from the bottom and falling to the ground. He caught himself and managed to keep himself upright, just standing there for a moment, resting his forehead against the cool metal. Then he straightened up and turned to face the body still lying a few feet from his ship.

As Poe stared at the corpse, a horrible, unthinkable idea came to his mind. He was starving. He hadn’t eaten in two days, and it would likely be another two days before he could make his ship fly. He was desperate. If he could just force himself not to think too hard about what he was doing…. Poe shook his head, nausea boiling up, and shoved the thought violently away. He couldn’t do it. It didn’t matter how desperate he was, he couldn’t resort to eating another person. The ship would be done in just another couple days, he could last that long. 

He went over to the body and grabbed him by the ankles, then started dragging him toward the forest. The man was much heavier than he looked, and it took several minutes for Poe to get him to the tree line. He hid the body in some bushes and turned to leave, but his legs gave out and he fell to his knees. The nausea was back, even stronger than before, his body disgusted with him for having even entertained such a horrible thought. The urge to vomit was too strong to fight back, but there was nothing in his stomach to throw up. He dry heaved, then collapsed into a coughing fit, tears streaming down his cheeks as he fought to catch his breath. 

At last he managed to stop coughing, though he was still panting as though he’d run a mile. He reached up to wipe the tears from his face and froze, staring at his sleeve. There was blood on his sleeve. Not the dead man’s blood, that had dried ages ago. This was fresh. There wasn’t a lot, just a tiny splatter, but it was enough to send his heart plummeting in his chest. He had coughed up blood.

Poe swallowed hard. He couldn’t keep ignoring the signs anymore. His body was giving up on him, and it was likely being on this planet for much longer would kill him before starvation ever could. Slowly, he got to his feet and made his way back to the x-wing. He picked up his wrench and got back to work, but his hands kept shaking and soon his vision blurred with tears. He blinked them back and tried to throw himself even harder into his work, but a sob escaped him unbidden and he sank to his knees.

“I’m sorry, Finn,” he whispered. “I don’t know if I can do this. I tried, I really did. I’m sorry.”


	19. Learning to Live

The others had noticed. Finn knew they had. It had been nearly a week since he’d stopped going to the hangar every day, nearly two since Poe had died. At first, Finn hadn’t known what to do with himself. He’d become so used to going out there and waiting. He wasn’t even sure what it was he’d done before that became his life. But soon he started figuring it out. It was still a struggle. He still had to remind himself to get up in the morning, to breathe in and out. But slowly, he was starting to learn how to live without Poe.

He kept busy, helping out around the base wherever he could. He got Snap to teach him some simple droid maintenance, and soon he had a flock of droids coming to him whenever they needed a minor tune-up. Finn suspected Snap had told the other pilots to send their droids to him, in an effort to keep him distracted. 

Finn rather appreciated it, if he was being honest. He liked spending time with the droids. They didn’t ask him how he was doing or talk to him like he might break. He just ran a translator on a data pad and asked what was wrong and they told him, then he’d fix them up and they’d thank him and roll away. A few of them had gotten rather attached to him and came to visit whether they needed fixing or not. He’d become fond of those droids himself, but it was a bittersweet relationship. It reminded him too much of Poe and BB-8. 

 

“You’ve become pretty popular with the droids, haven’t you?” 

Finn looked up from his work. Rey stood in the doorway, smiling.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said with a shrug.

Rey came over and sat down next to him.

“Suralinda says you’ve gotten good at this,” she said. “She said her droid had been veering right for weeks and you fixed it good as new.”

“There was a gear jammed in the turning mechanism,” Finn explained. “Getting to it was the hard part. R2 units really don’t made it easy to get inside their legs.”

Rey laughed.

“I’m really glad you’re doing this,” she said. “It hurt seeing you drifting like you were.”

Finn didn’t answer right away, focusing instead on reattaching the front panel on the droid he’d been fixing.

“There you go, good as new,” he said, setting aside his tools.

The droid beeped out a thank you (he no longer needed the translator to understand that one) and rolled away. Finn turned to Rey.

“I’m still drifting, you know,” he said quietly. “All this… I like it, but it’s just a distraction. A way to keep my mind off things. Off him. Doesn’t always help. But it’s something. Without it… I’d be back to locking myself in my room.”

Rey took his hand.

“If you ever feel you’re going back to that, come to me, okay? Mourning doesn’t mean you have to be alone. I want to help, even if it’s just sitting with you and holding your hand.”

“Thanks, Rey. Really.”

Rey smiled softly and leaned in, kissing him on the cheek. Finn sighed and pulled her into a hug. They sat like that for a long time, just holding each other. Neither of them said a word. They didn’t need to. 


	20. Ruin

The next day, Finn and Rey were summoned to Leia’s office. Finn wondered what this could possibly be about; things had been almost unnervingly quiet since Poe’s death, no news, no sign of First Order activity. They entered Leia’s office to find Black Squadron there as well. As the door slid shut, Leia got to her feet.

“Now that we’ve managed to find our feet again, the Resistance needs to let the galaxy know that we’re still here, that we’re still fighting,” she said. “I’ve received word of a First Order occupation in a small town in the Moro system. I want the six of you to go, assess the situation, and provide what help you can, whether that be as little as provisions or as much as fighting off the invaders. That will be your judgement call. Wexley, you’re in command. Javos, you know why you’re here.”

“Make it a story?” Suralinda said.

“Exactly.” Leia looked around the room at each of them. “I won’t pretend this isn’t dangerous. It’s a small team, and we don’t truly know what you’re walking into. But the six of you are some of the best fighters we’ve got. I know you won’t let me down. Now, go get ready. You leave at 0300.”

 

A few hours later, the team gathered in the hangar. Finn, Rey, and Suralinda would be on the Falcon while Snap, Karé and Jess flew in their x-wings. Leia arrived, giving each pilot a drive with their coordinates.

“Remember, don’t try to do more than you’re able, no matter what you see,” she said. “May the Force be with you.”

They parted ways and boarded their ships. Once they were in the cockpit, Rey turned on the engines and linked up the communications system to the others’ ships.

“You kids ready?” Snap said.

“Ready and raring,” Karé responded.

“Hey Snap, quick question,” Jess said. “If you gets to call us ‘kids’, do we get to call you ‘dad’?”

“You know what, Pava…” said Snap.

Finn turned to Suralinda, an eyebrow raised.

“Is this what missions with Black Squadron are always like?” he said.

“Generally, yeah,” Suralinda said.

“It’s a wonder you get anything done,” Rey teased.

They took off one by one and followed each other up through the atmosphere and into space. 

“Making the jump to hyperspace,” Snap said, “in five… four… three… two…”

All four ships went to light speed in perfect unison. The trip was short and uneventful, and within half an hour they reached the Moro system. They landed their ships outside the city to avoid attracting attention, then walked into town. 

As they passed the first line of buildings, Finn’s heart sank. The town had been gutted. Smoke still rose in the distance from a fire that hadn’t yet gone out. The ground was littered with debris. They walked down a block of shelled out houses, windows shattered, roofs caved in. Finn noticed a pair of small children huddled together on the stoop of one of the houses and veered toward them, beckoning to Suralinda to follow. As they approached, a woman appeared in the doorway.

“You’re not from around here,” the woman said.

“No,” said Finn. “We… we came to help.”

The woman laughed humorlessly.

“You’re a little late for that.”

“I know. I’m sorry. We want to do what we can.”

“Why are you still living here?” Suralinda asked. “Your house is a ruin.”

“We have nowhere else to go,” the woman said.

Finn and Sura exchanged a look, then Finn stepped forward and knelt in front of the children. 

“Hi,” he said. “My name’s Finn.”

The boy hid his face in his sister’s shoulder, obviously shy, but the girl attempted a little smile.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

“We’re gonna find a way to help, okay?” Finn said. “We’re gonna get rid of those troopers.”

“Are you gonna find my daddy?” the girl asked.

Finn looked up at the woman questioningly.

“My husband ran into the city when the fighting started, trying to help,” she said. “We haven’t seen him since.”

Finn nodded and turned back to the girl.

“We’ll try and find your dad too. That’s a promise.”

“Thank you,” the girl said.

Finn stood up.

“I don’t suppose you could tell us where the stormtroopers are camped out,” he asked the woman.

“The center of town,” she replied. “They’ve been using city hall as a stronghold.”

“Thank you,” Finn said.

He and Sura returned to the rest of the group.

“Find out anything?” Karé asked.

“The troopers are holed up in city hall,” said Finn.

“Also, Finn just promised a little girl he’d find her dad,” said Sura, “so our job may have gotten a little more complicated.”

“Sorry,” Finn grimaced.

“Don’t be,” said Snap. “It’s what Poe would’ve done.”

 

They continued on until they reached the center of town. A small crowd had amassed in front of city hall. They pushed forward to see what was going on, the sounds of shouting getting louder the closer they got. Finally they got to the front of the crowd. A man lay on the ground, covered in blood and bruises and trying to escape from the three stormtroopers standing over him and beating him mercilessly. 

“We have to do something,” Rey said.

“Snap? Orders?” said Jess.

Snap frowned, conflicted. Finn knew what was holding him back. Running in there with no plan, all to save a single man from a beating, could get them into more trouble than it was worth. They had come here to help, but they would be of no use in a jail cell. 

“We don’t need all six of us to save him,” Finn said suddenly. “Just one.”

“What?” Snap said.

“Stay here,” Finn said, then he took off.

“Finn, wait!” Rey shouted after him.

Finn ignored her and ran across the square, shoving himself between the man and the stormtroopers.

“Get out of the way, citizen,” one of the troopers said.

“No,” Finn said.

“This man tried to escape custody, he needs to be punished,” the trooper said.

“I think you’ve punished him enough.”

“Wait a second,” one of the others said, stepping forward. “I know you.”

Finn swallowed hard.

“You do?”

“You’re the traitor,” he said. “FN-2187!”

_Shit_.

“Look, I think you’ve got me confused with somebody else,” Finn bluffed. “Just let this man go and we can all be on our way.”

“No, he’s right,” the third trooper said. “You _are_ FN-2187.”

All three stormtroopers drew their blasters and Finn put up his hands.

“I’m not looking for trouble,” he said. “Well, not a lot of trouble. I’m not who you think I am.”

“You’re a terrible liar,” the first trooper said. “Cuff him.”

The other two troopers grabbed his arms and wrenched them behind his back, locking him in binders. Finn struggled but the first trooper pressed the muzzle of his gun to his throat. 

“You’re coming with us, traitor.”

They began to drag him off, but Finn struggled. Suddenly, a laser blast flew by his head, narrowly missing one of the troopers holding him. He turned to the source and saw Rey and Black Squadron running forward, weapons raised.

“Let him go!” Rey shouted, activating her lightsaber. 

The troopers shot at them and Rey deflected the blasts. Taking advantage of their distraction, Finn managed to wrestle himself from the troopers’ grasp and began to run toward his friends. But he only made it a few feet before he was hit in the back by a stun shot and everything went dark.

 


	21. ...And By Opposing, End Them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for this chapter. it's pretty dark.

Poe had given up. Once he’d finished crying, he’d climbed up into his x-wing and curled up in the cockpit, waiting to die. It wouldn’t be too long, he was sure of it. 

A few hours passed. Still he lived. He was getting a little impatient. His body was already failing, could it just get on with it? He huffed and turned onto his side. His eyes fell on his blaster and he swallowed hard. He hadn’t really meant it that first day, when he’d threatened to give up before he’d even started. But now… he had never been a patient man. And waiting to die was the worst kind of waiting.

He sat up and picked up the blaster, holding it in his lap. If he did this, that was it. The end. There would be no changing his mind. But he was a dead man anyway. Why prolong his suffering?

Still, he hesitated. If he did this, he would never see Finn again, or his father, or anyone he loved. Yes, he loved Finn. He could finally admit it to himself, now that it was too late. But if he didn’t do this… how great were the chances he made it off this planet really? He didn’t have much left in him. And what if he did, by some miracle, make it home, only for his body to finally give out there? Finn would have to lose him all over again. He couldn’t do that to Finn.

Poe picked up the blaster and adjusted his grip on it, then held the muzzle to his temple. It was better this way. No more suffering. Everyone thought he was dead anyway. He would just be giving truth to their grief. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, letting his finger begin to curl around the trigger.

Then he heard a distant, frightened beep. BB-8 had woken to an empty campsite and was now calling his name. Poe’s bottom lip trembled and he let the blaster fall. BB-8 beeped again, sounding frantic, and Poe leapt from the cockpit and scrambled down the ladder, falling to his knees when he reached the ground. BB-8 saw him and rolled over as fast as he could. Poe threw his arms around the droid and collapsed into tears.

“It’s okay, buddy, I’m here, I’m okay,” he managed to say between sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m not leaving you, okay? We’re gonna do this, we’re gonna get out of here.”

 

It took him a while to calm down again, but once he’d finally managed to pull himself together, he stood up, burning with new determination. He was _so_ close to having his ship fixed, he could do this. It didn’t have to be perfect, it just had to get him home without catching fire. And he _would_ make it home. He had to, he had to believe he would. He picked up his wrench from where he’d left it in the dirt and turned to his x-wing. 

“I can do this. I can do this.”

Steeling himself, he stepped forward and got to work. 

 

Poe didn’t stop to rest for nearly two days. He didn’t stop until he was finished. At last he replaced the engine panel and screwed it into place. He stepped back and inspected his work.

“It’ll have to do,” he muttered.

He was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in his cockpit and sleep, but he was more than a little worried that if he did that, he might never wake up. No, he’d have to power through. He turned to BB-8.

“Alright, buddy. Moment of truth time.”

Poe climbed up into the cockpit, took a deep breath, and turned on the engine. With a bit of complaining, the ship came to life. A few lights were out on the control panels and the engines were definitely a bit louder than they should be, but everything was working. Poe let out a celebratory shout and immediately started coughing. Once he’d caught his breath again, he leaned out of the cockpit.

“You ready?” he called down.

BB-8 bleeped and rolled into position. Poe pressed the button and an arm dropped down, lifting BB-8 into the droid port. He closed the top hatch and buckled himself in, then donned his helmet.

“Okay. Here goes nothing.”

Slowly, he lifted the ship into the air. It wobbled a bit, but otherwise seemed to be working. Poe steered the ship upward toward the mass of purple clouds. As they rose higher, they gained speed until at last they shot out through the atmosphere and into space. It felt so vast and open compared to the claustrophobic planet below and the stars that surrounded them blinked so welcomingly that Poe couldn’t help but smile.

“Come on, BB-8. Let’s go home.”


	22. Out of the Dark

The drop from light speed was rough to say the least and for a moment Poe wasn’t sure the ship would hold together. But then everything stopped rattling and he was able to exhale. Up ahead was the beautiful green orb of Yavin IV. Home. He’d never been so happy to see it in his life. 

He turned the ship and flew toward the moon, his heart hammering. He was almost there. Soon he’d feel fresh air and sunshine and Finn’s arms around him. The anticipation was almost too much to bear. At last he entered the atmosphere and soared out over the dense jungle. The stone ruins of the base peeked out above the trees and he flew toward them. As he approached, he flew lower, aiming for the open hangar doors.

It wasn’t his most elegant landing, but the ship touched down and nothing broke, so that was all that mattered. Poe took off his helmet and opened the top hatch. A warm breeze ruffled his hair and he smiled. He pressed the button to eject BB-8 from the co-pilot port, then climbed out of the cockpit. He reached the ground and turned around, then jumped out of his skin – Rey was standing there, staring at him in shock. 

“You’re alive?” she gasped.

“I know,” said Poe. “I’m surprised too.”

Rey’s face split into a huge grin and she threw herself at him, nearly knocking him over. Poe caught his balance, then returned the hug. He let out a breath; his entire body seemed to tingle at the contact. 

“I can’t believe it,” Rey said, her voice thick with tears. “We all thought you were dead. How did you survive?”

“It’s a long story,” said Poe, pulling away to look at her. “Where’s Finn? I wanna let him know I’m okay.”

Rey’s smile faltered.

“He’s… he’s not here,” she said quietly.

“What do you mean?” Poe said, his heart suddenly hammering.

“A few days ago, we went on a mission and… he was captured by the First Order,” Rey explained.

“And no one’s gone to rescue him?”

“We don’t know where they’ve taken him. Leia’s been working on a plan…”

“Then I’ve got to talk to Leia,” Poe said.

And with that he was off, fueled by a sudden burst of energy and determination.

“Wait, Poe!” Rey called, hurrying behind him. “You should be going to the med bay!”

Poe ignored her and pressed on. He was vaguely aware of people staring as he hurried by, but ignored them all. When he reached Leia’s study, he burst through the door without knocking.

“What are we doing to save Finn?” he demanded.

Leia stood so quickly her chair was knocked to the ground, staring at him as if she’d seen a ghost. Which, in a way, she had. Rey caught up and pushed past Poe.

“I’m sorry, General, I tried to get him to go to med bay…” she panted.

“You’re alive,” Leia said.

“Yeah.”

Without another word, Leia came around the desk and pulled him into a hug. Poe hugged her back, the embrace melting off a bit of his recent adrenaline rush. At last Leia kissed his cheek and pulled back to look at him. Poe was surprised to see there were tears in her eyes.

“You look terrible,” Leia said.

“Thanks,” said Poe. “I feel pretty terrible too.”

“Don’t you ever do that to us again.”

Poe smiled a little.

“I’ll try.”

“Now, as for Finn,” Leia said. “Black Squadron have been on constant reconnaissance missions the last two days, trying to find where they’ve taken him. As soon as we know where he is, we’ll bring him home.”

“I want to be on the rescue team,” Poe said.

“No.”

“But–“

“You’ve been Force knows where for two weeks and look like you haven’t eaten for nearly as long,” said Leia. “You need to be in med bay.”

“I heal fast,” Poe protested. “I’m not even in that bad of shape, I–“

He had to turn away as he was overcome by another coughing fit. He was acutely aware of the fresh splatter of blood on his sleeve as he straightened back up. Leia was holding out a glass of water to him, looking concerned.

“Thanks,” Poe said, taking it.

He took a drink and had to remind himself not to down the whole glass in one go as his body suddenly remembered how thirsty he was.

“I’m taking you to med bay right now,” Leia said. “Don’t even think about arguing.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Leia took his arm and steered him from the room, Rey following close behind. When they entered the med bay, a doctor approached, but froze the moment she saw Poe.

“Yes, Doctor, he’s alive,” Leia said impatiently. “We can fill you in after you’ve kept him that way.”

Leia took Poe by the arm and practically forced him onto a bed. The doctor immediately started examining him.

“I’m going to send a message to your father,” Leia said. “I’ll be back later to check on you.”

“You’ll let me know when there’s news on Finn?” Poe asked.

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”

Leia smiled, then turned and left. Rey pulled up a chair and sat by Poe’s bedside, watching in silence as the doctor continued to examine Poe. When at last she had finished checking him over, she hooked him up to several IVs and monitors, then went to her desk, leaving just the two of them.

“I still can’t believe it,” Rey said. “We were all so sure you were dead. Jess said you fell through the planet’s atmosphere, the gasses should have killed you.”

“It’s not a gaseous planet,” Poe explained. “The clouds _are_ some form of gas, but it’s thinner on the surface. Still dangerous though… if I’d stayed there even a day longer, I don’t think I’d have made it.”

“Is that how you got the cough? From the gas?”

Poe nodded.

“And… the blood?” Rey said anxiously.

“It’s not all mine,” said Poe. “I had a run in with one of the natives.”

“Natives?” Rey echoed in surprise.

“They must’ve evolved to survive there. He was human as far as I could tell, but not like any man I’d seen before.”

“You’re going to have one hell of a report to write.”

Poe chuckled, coughing a little. There was a moment of silence, then Rey spoke again.

“You said not all of it was yours,” she said. “Were you injured in the crash?”

“Don’t you think the doctor would’ve noticed if I was injured?” Poe said.

“Then how else would you have your own blood on your–“ Rey stopped suddenly, eyes wide. “Oh hell. Why didn’t you tell the doctor?!”

“I was _planning_ to,” said Poe. “I just didn’t want to do it when you were still here.”

“Why not?!”

“To keep you from freaking out. I didn’t want _anyone_ to know. I’ll be fine, I just… don’t want people more worried than they need to be.”

“You’re coughing up blood, Poe, stop being ridiculous!” Rey got to her feet. “Doctor!”

The doctor looked up from her work and came over.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

“He’s been coughing up blood but he didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t want me to _worry_ ,” Rey said, giving Poe a look.

“I’ll be fine,” Poe said wearily.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” said the doctor.

She resumed examining him and Poe shot Rey an exasperated look. Rey rolled her eyes. Finally the doctor finished her examination.

“It appears that your throat and lungs are raw from inhaling some harsh gas or toxin,” she said.

“Well, I was stranded on a gas-covered planet,” said Poe. “I’ll be okay though, right?”

“You will,” the doctor said. “You just need time to heal. You shouldn’t do anything strenuous for a while, even once you’ve been released from the infirmary. You’ll most likely become short of breath easily for some time. Lungs are tricky things to heal.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Rey said.

“Of course,” said the doctor. She turned back to Poe. “And next time there’s something wrong, let me know immediately. Got it?”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Poe. 

The doctor left them once again and Rey sat back down, giving Poe a look that made him shrink back into the pillows.

“Sorry?” he said tentatively.

“Damn right, you should be,” Rey said. “You’re just likely it isn’t life-threatening.”

“I feel like you might have killed me if it had been, and I’m not sure that would be the better way to go.”

Rey glared, but the corner of her mouth twitched and she broke, relaxing into a smile.

“I missed you,” she said.

Poe smiled.

“I missed you too,” he said. “I missed everybody. That planet was lonely as hell.”

Just then, the med bay door opened and Rose burst in breathlessly, her face lighting up as she caught sight of Poe. She hurried across the room and nearly threw herself on him, hugging him tightly.

“Oh thank the Force!” she exclaimed. “I heard people saying you were alive, one idiot even thought you were haunting the base, but I had to see for myself!”

She kissed his cheek and pulled away, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“It’s good to see you, Rose,” Poe said, smiling.

Rose beamed.

“I was terrified I’d gotten you killed, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“What? No! It wasn’t your fault,” Poe said. “Hell, I think it would've been worse without everything you did to that ship.”

“Really?” Rose said.

“Yeah.”

Rose smiled again and gave his hand a squeeze. 

“You know about Finn?” she said softly.

Poe nodded.

“I told him what happened,” Rey said.

“We’ll save him,” said Rose.

“I know.”

But secretly, Poe wasn’t so sure. According to Leia, Finn had already been in the First Order’s hands for two days and they hadn’t found him. He was a defector and a traitor in their eyes… just how long would they keep him alive? And if he _was_ alive when they found him… what kind of state would he be in?


	23. Stowaway

The next three days passed uneventfully. It was good to be home and safe, but sitting around in a hospital bed was incredibly boring. Between his father, Rey, and Rose, Poe had plenty of visitors to keep him company – in fact, Rey was rarely anywhere else – but the person he wanted to see the most was still nowhere to be found. Every passing day, every hour, made Poe more anxious and ate away at his hope that they would find Finn alive. 

“What if they’ve tried reconditioning him?” he said suddenly as he and Rey sat together.

Rey stared at him for a moment.

“Do you think they would?” she asked. “I mean, it didn’t exactly work on him the first time, and he was practically born into it then.”

“I don’t know…” said Poe. “I mean… if they really want to torture him, that would be the way to hurt him most. Take away his freedom, make him forget everything he was… make him forget…”

He trailed off as a brand new fear sprung up among the rest. Surely they couldn’t erase Finn’s memories. Could they?

“Don’t think about that,” Rey said quickly, though she was clearly unnerved by the idea as well. “Finn’s strong, he’ll fight whatever they throw at him.”

Poe nodded, but the idea had taken root and he knew nothing would calm his fears until he saw Finn alive and well. Just then, the door opened and Leia entered the med bay. Poe sat up a little straighter. Leia had visited him a few times, but every time he hoped for some sort of news. Leia came over and stood by his bed.

“We’ve found Finn,” she announced.

Poe’s heart leapt.

“Where is he?” he said. “Are we going to get him?”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Leia said. “The First Order has a small prison camp in the Unknown Regions. Black Squadron is on their way back now. As soon as they’ve returned and refueled, they’ll go back, along with a small rescue party. Rey, I want you to take Rose and Chewwie on the Falcon. The three of you will be on the ground, breaking Finn out, while the fleet creates a distraction in the air.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Rey said.

“Please, general, I want to be there too,” Poe said. “I’ve gotten stronger, I can do it.”

“No,” said Leia. “That’s an order.”

Poe sighed heavily.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Leia turned to Rey.

“Come with me, I’ll brief you on the mission.”

Rey stood up and looked back at Poe. She gave him a pitying look, then leaned in and kissed his forehead.

“I’ll bring him home,” she murmured. “I promise.”

“Thanks,” Poe said.

Then she turned and followed Leia out of the med bay. Poe watched them go then sighed again. Being cooped up in this bed was hard enough. But having to wait at home while everyone else ran off to save Finn was torture. He was a man of action, he wasn’t used to sitting on the sidelines. And it was Finn’s life on the line. He couldn’t just sit and wait for news, he just couldn’t. 

He glanced around the room. All the doctors and nurses were distracted, busy with other patients or with paperwork. Gritting his teeth, he carefully began removing all the IVs and monitors he’d been hooked up to since his return. Then he got out of bed and slipped silently from the room.

He felt like he had a spotlight on him as he hurried through the base, barefoot and in hospital clothes, and was sure someone would stop him and escort him back to the med bay. But he reached his room unhindered. He got dressed quickly and strapped on his holster, then snuck back out into the corridor. When he reached the hangar, he noticed Black Squadron had returned and were fueling up their ships. He crept along the edges of the hangar until he reached the Falcon. He hurried up the ramp, then went and hid in one of the smaller cabins.

It felt like he waited there forever. But finally he heard the engines come to life and soon they were in the air. As soon as he felt the familiar jolt as they jumped to lightspeed, he exited the cabin and went up to the cockpit.

“So,” he said. “What’s the plan?”

Rey, Rose, and Chewwie all cried out in alarm and Poe suddenly found himself staring down three blasters.

“Whoa whoa, it’s okay, it’s me!” he said, holding up his hands.

Chewwie growled at him and put aside his bowcaster. 

“What the _hell_ are you doing here?” Rose exclaimed.

“Rescuing Finn.”

“No, that’s what _we’re_ doing.”

“Leia gave you an order,” Rey said. “You were nearly dead three days ago, you should be in bed.”

“I couldn’t just sit there while you guys were off saving Finn,” said Poe. 

“So you stowed away on my ship?”

“It was the only way.”

“Rey’s right, you should be resting,” said Rose.

“I’ll take it easy,” said Poe.

“There’s no ‘taking it easy’ on a rescue mission,” Rose said. “You know that.”

“Look, we’re already on our way,” said Poe. “I’m here, you’re stuck with me. And I’m not staying behind on the ship. So you might as well fill me in so I can actually be of use.”

Rey and Rose exchanged a look.

“I suppose you’re right,” Rey said wearily. “Sit down, I’ll fill you in.”

 


	24. The Escape

At last they reached the Unknown Regions and approached the prison. It was a small planet, barely bigger than a moon; the First Order had probably dedicated most of the planet to their prison camp. The fleet led the way, intentionally drawing all attention to themselves so the Falcon could slip through their defenses unnoticed. 

Rey parked the ship on the edge of a forest on the outskirts of the camp. Chewwie stayed with the ship, and Poe, Rey, and Rose disembarked and made the short hike to the prison walls. They found a grate and Rose took a device from her pocket and cut through the metal so they could climb through. They crawled single file through the duct until they reached another grate, then climbed out into the compound.

“You still doing okay?” Rey asked Poe as they all straightened up and glanced around.

“If you keep asking me that, I swear…” Poe said.

“Alright, keep your shirt on. I’m just checking.”

They made a left and walked until they found a security office. There was only one guard inside, watching the screens. They snuck up behind him and Rey knocked him out with the Force. He slumped over and fell from his chair with a thud. They all winced and glanced back at the door, but there was no one nearby to hear. Then Rey turned to the computer and started searching while Poe and Rose kept watch.

“Found him,” Rey announced after a few minutes. “High security level.”

“Of course,” said Rose.

“Oh no…”

“What?” Poe said, turning frantically.

“Torture chamber,” Rey said grimly.

Poe swallowed hard.

“Then we’d better hurry.”

They left the room and quickly found a lift, then got inside and pressed the button for their level.

“Authorization required,” a voice said.

“Dammit,” Rose muttered.

“This would be a great time to have BB-8…” said Poe.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this,” Rey said.

She knelt down and pried off a panel cover, then set to work on the wires. After a minute, the voice spoke again.

“Security clearance overridden.”

Then the lift jolted into motion.

“Nice job,” said Rose.

“Thanks,” said Rey, standing back up.

“If that tripped a security breach, we’re not gonna have a whole lot of time to get out of here,” said Poe.

“I know,” Rey said. “We’ll make it. I know exactly where Finn is.”

The lift came to a stop and the doors opened. They stepped out into the surprisingly deserted hall. The First Order had clearly expected their security system to be the only guard they needed. Rey led the way down the corridor until they came to a door near the end. She pried the panel cover off the door controls and tinkered with the wires until the door slid open. 

“Quickly,” she whispered.

They all rushed inside and Poe froze, his heart skipping a beat. Finn was strapped to a chair not unlike the one Poe himself had been tied to when they first met. He was covered in blood and bruises and his eyes were closed, but his chest rose and fell slowly; he was alive. Poe hurried forward and set to work unbuckling the straps. His hands were shaking and he fumbled, struggling. Suddenly Finn groaned and Poe looked up. They locked eyes.

“Am I dead?” Finn said hoarsely.

Poe’s breath hitched in his chest.

“No.”

“Am I dreaming?”

“No,” said Poe. “I’m here, I’m really here.”

“But how?” Finn said. “You’re dead…”

“It’s a long story,” said Poe, going back to the straps. “I’ll tell you when we get home, okay?”

At last he managed to free Finn and help him down. He put an arm around Finn and helped him toward the door.

“Let’s go,” said Rey.

She led the way out and back to the lift. Once they were inside, she hit the button for the main floor and the lift began to rise. Suddenly an alarm blared and the lift came to a stop.

“They know we’re here,” said Rose.

“Shit…” Poe muttered.

Rey held up her hand and forced the lift doors open. They were halfway between levels, the floor of the next level at shoulder level. One by one they helped each other climb out, then got to their feet. The alarm still sounded and they could hear the distant sounds of movement as the troops scrambled to action. 

“Come on!” Rey said.

They began to run, taking every side corridor they could find, trying to stay out of sight. Soon Poe started to slow down, his lungs screaming as he struggled for air.

“Wait,” he gasped. “I can’t… can’t breathe. Need a minute…”

They came to a stop in a dark hallway and Poe fell to his knees, accidentally bring Finn down with him. 

“I believe this is what the doctor meant by ‘strenuous activity’,” Rey said.

Poe shot her a look, still panting. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Finn asked, looking worried.

“Long story,” said Rose.

At last Poe managed to catch his breath a little and stood up.

“Can we go now?” Rey said.

“I’m afraid not,” a new voice said from the shadows.

They all whipped around as Kylo Ren stepped forward. He was unmasked, and as Poe stared at that far-too familiar face, a wave of white-hot anger rushed over him. Forgetting about the blaster at his side, he launched forward and latched his hands around Ren’s throat. The only thought in his mind was that he wanted this man to die for everything he’d done. They struggled, then Poe slammed Ren against the wall. For a moment, it looked like he had the upper hand. Then Ren grabbed Poe’s wrists and pried his hands from his throat, whipping them around to pin Poe against the wall. Poe hit the wall with so much force he saw stars.

There was the sound of a lightsaber igniting and suddenly Rey was there, her blade aimed at Kylo Ren’s throat.

“Let him go,” she demanded.

“You don’t have to do this, Rey,” Ren said. “You don’t have to defend him.”

“He’s my friend.”

“You can still join me, you know.”

“You know I won’t.”

“And you know I won’t let him go,” said Ren.

Just then, Poe heard the steady sound of approaching footsteps. He turned to Rey.

“Troopers,” he warned.

Rey turned to Rose. “Take Finn back to the Falcon. We’ll catch up with you.”

Rose looked like she wanted to argue, but helped Finn to his feet and they hurried away. As they rounded the corner, Finn looked back at Poe and the two of them locked eyes before Finn disappeared.

“You’re in love with him,” Ren said; he sounded surprised, disgusted, and a little bitter. “You’re actually in love with that traitor.”

Poe turned to scowl at him.

“He’s only a traitor to you,” he said.

“I don’t know why I’m surprised,” Ren spat. “You always did have a soft spot for lost souls.”

Rey glanced between them, confused, and tightened her grip on the lightsaber.

“Just let him go, Ben,” she said. “You don’t have to do this.”

“I’m about to have four Resistance prisoners when before I only had one,” said Ren. “I think I _do_ have to do this.”

“Funny thing about prisoners,” Poe said. “You kinda have to catch them first.”

“But I’ve already caught you, Dameron.”

“Have you?”

He kneed Ren in the groin and twisted from his grip as he doubled over in pain.

“Come on!” he shouted.

He grabbed Rey’s hand and they ran. Poe could hear Ren’s outraged cry echo down the hall as they careened around the corner. They finally made it to the main floor when Poe started to lag again.

“Come on, Poe!” Rey said.

“I’m sorry,” Poe panted.

Rey glanced around, then pulled him into a storage closet and closed the door. Gasping, his lungs burning, Poe sat down on an overturned bucket and tried to catch his breath.

“What the hell was all that about?” Rey said.

“Which part?” Poe asked.

“Well, first of all, were you really planning on killing Kylo Ren with your bare hands?”

“I didn’t really plan it, no…”

“Secondly… what the hell?” Rey spluttered. “Am I missing something? I know he’s tortured you before, but he was acting like he _knew_ you.”

“That’s ‘cause he did,” said Poe. “We… knew each other as kids.”

He avoided her gaze, but he could tell from the way she was staring that she had worked at least some of it out.

“What did he do to you?” Rey said softly.

“Aren’t we supposed to be escaping?” Poe said.

“Only when you’re able to run again. What did he mean, ‘you’ve got a soft spot for lost souls’? Who was he talking about?”

“Himself.”

“…You were in love with him, weren’t you?”

“Yes,” Poe said, getting to his feet. “Can we go now?”

Rey stared at him a moment, then opened the door a crack, peeking out.

“The coast is clear,” she said. “Come on.”

They stepped outside, then hurried down the hallway until they reached the grate they had come in by. They climbed into the duct and began to crawl. Poe’s heart was beating so loud he was sure Rey would hear it echoing in the narrow passage; but it wasn’t from running. Finn and Leia were the only people who knew about his past with Kylo Ren. He hadn’t even told his own father the whole truth. But now Rey knew, or at least part of it. Poe trusted her, but he hadn’t been ready. 

At last they reached the end of the tunnel and climbed out. As soon as they were both out, they ran toward the forest. The sooner they put distance between them and this prison, the better. By the time the Falcon came into view, Poe could barely breathe. He was mere yards away when his legs gave out and he fell to his knees, gasping for air. 

“Poe, look out!” Rey screamed.

Poe turned to find Kylo Ren looming over him. He ignited his lightsaber and Poe backed away in alarm, stopping suddenly as he hit a large rock. He was cornered. Ren lifted his hand and a chill ran down Poe’s spine – he knew what was coming. A painful wave tore through his mind and he gritted his teeth, trying to fight against Ren’s onslaught, though he knew it was hopeless; he’d never been able to resist before, why would he stand a chance this time?

Ren didn't seem to be looking for anything in particular. He was merely skimming through Poe’s thoughts for the sake of it, like he was flipping the pages of a book. Occasionally he’d linger on something – the conversation Poe and Leia had had after his return from Jakku, a few random memories with Finn – but he’d quickly move on. 

Suddenly Ren’s presence in his mind shifted. A strange sort of calm washed over him, a relaxed, detached feeling.

“You will stand up and come with me,” Ren said.

“No,” Poe said, but his body was already betraying him.

He got his feet but refused to move any further, fighting the power tugging at him. Ren stared at him, confused.

“Looks like you’ve lost your touch, Ben,” Poe said.

Rage flashed across Ren’s face and he raised his lightsaber as if to strike.

“Do _not_ call me that!” he snarled.

Just then, there was a shout and Finn barreled into Ren, tackling him to the ground. The lightsaber flew from Ren’s hand and his hold on Poe broke. Poe exhaled heavily and nearly fell back to the ground. Finn managed to get in a few good hits, but soon he was overpowered, weakened by his captivity. Ren pinned him to the ground, his hands around his throat. 

“Finn!” Poe cried.

He drew his blaster and rushed forward, aiming for Ren’s head. But he hesitated, hands shaking. Just minutes ago, he’d been ready to choke the life from him with his bare hands. But now suddenly, Poe faltered.

“Do it, Poe!” Finn gasped, struggling against Ren’s grip. “Do it!”

Poe turned to Finn and suddenly his resolve returned. He turned back to Ren and tightened his grip on the blaster. But before he could pull the trigger, there was a roar and Chewwie lifted Ren off of Finn, tossing him aside like a rag doll. He helped Finn to his feet, grabbed Poe’s shoulder, and steered them both toward the Falcon where Rey and Rose waited at the foot of the ramp. They all rushed on board, but as Poe reached the top of the ramp, he paused. He turned and looked back to Ren, who was struggling to sit up. For just a second, their eyes met. Then Rose hit the button and the ramp rose, blocking Ren from view.


	25. Home At Last

As the Falcon rose into the air, Poe slowly turned away from the door. Finn stood in the middle of the hall, staring at him. For a moment, they both just stood there, both breathless and definitely the worse for wear. Then Finn slowly walked forward and reached out, running a single finger along Poe’s cheek. 

“You’re really here,” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

Finn bit his lip, then threw his arms around Poe and burst into tears. Poe held him tightly, trying and failing to hold back tears of his own. Finally Finn pulled back.

“But you were dead,” he said.

“I wasn’t,” said Poe. “It was close, though.”

“I should have waited,” Finn said. “I did for a while, but… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You did what I wanted you to do. I told you not to wait for me, remember?”

“I know, I just… you were just _gone_ and I…” Finn’s bottom lip trembled and he smiled, a few fresh tears falling down his cheeks. “I can barely believe it.”

“Me neither.”

They smiled at each other, then Poe sighed and looked down.

“I’m sorry I hesitated back there,” he said quietly. 

“It’s okay,” said Finn.

Poe looked back up at him.

“How is it okay?” he said. “He could’ve killed you and I almost let him.”

Finn shook his head.

“You wouldn’t have let him, when it came down to it. I saw that look in your eyes.”

Poe smiled a little, then leaned in and kissed him, slowly, hungrily, trying to make up for all the lost kisses, all the pain and grief of the last few weeks. When at last they broke apart, Poe could barely breathe, but for once it didn’t bother him.

“I love you,” Finn said softly.

Poe’s heart leapt and he smiled.

“I love you too,” he said. “I was so scared I’d die before I got to tell you.”

“I thought I’d missed my chance forever.”

Poe opened his mouth to reply but had to turn away as a fresh coughing fit struck. He’d been doing better since returning home, but the events of today had caught up with him. When it finally subsided, he turned to find Finn watching him anxiously. 

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I will be,” said Poe. “Come on, let’s go sit down.”

They went to the main cabin and sat at the table.Just then, Rey came back into the cabin and they both turned to her.

“Just wanted to check in,” she said. “Make sure you’re okay.”

Finn smiled.

“We’re fine,” he said. “Thanks.”

Rey smiled back then turned to leave. She paused in the doorway for a moment, then turned back around.

“Poe, I… I’m sorry I hassled you before, about Kylo Ren,” she said. “It’s none of my business, I shouldn’t have pushed…”

Poe shook his head.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I can’t keep denying it. I mean, I’m definitely not ready for _everybody_ to know about it, but… I trust you.”

“I don’t know what happened between you, but…. he betrayed me too,” Rey said. “So… if you ever need to talk or anything… I’m here.”

“Thanks, Rey.”

They exchanged a small smile, then Rey left. Finn turned to Poe.

“You told her?” he said.

“Kind of,” Poe said. “It doesn’t matter.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ve got you back, that’s all that matters right now.”

He gently cupped Finn’s cheek, inspecting the damage the First Order had done to him. He had two black eyes and the right side of his face was covered in dry blood from a cut near his temple. Poe sighed and looked down, taking both Finn’s hands in his. Finn’s knuckles were bloody, like he’d attempted to fight his way out, and his wrists were chafed and bruised from struggling against the restraints. Poe’s heart ached. He knew this was only the beginning of Finn’s injuries; he wasn’t sure if he could bring himself to see just how bad the rest were.

“They sure did a number on you, didn’t they?” he said quietly.

“It could’ve been worse,” Finn said.

“I know,” said Poe, looking back up at him. “Doesn’t make this okay, though.”

“I know. Honestly, I could sleep for a week.”

Poe chuckled.

“Honestly, me too.”

 

At last they made it home and disembarked. As they stepped down from the ramp, Leia entered the hangar, walking toward them with such purpose that Poe stopped dead in his tracks.

“I am in so much trouble,” he groaned.

“What? Why?” said Finn.

“I, uh… wasn’t exactly supposed to be on this mission…”

Just then, Leia reached them. There was a brief silence, then she turned to Finn.

“It’s good to see you, Finn,” she said. “I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Thanks, ma’am,” Finn said.

Leia then turned to Poe, who swallowed hard, fighting the urge to flee back onboard the Falcon.

“As for you,” Leia said. “What the _hell_ were you thinking?!”

“To be perfectly honest, General, I wasn’t.”

“You were on the brink of death not three days ago, I expressly ordered you to sit this mission out, and you decide to run off into a First Order prison camp anyway. It’s not just that you could have been killed. You’ve barely had time to recover, you put yourself and the entire team at risk.”

“I know,” Poe said. “It was stupid and reckless. I slowed us down and put everyone in danger. But I couldn’t stand just sitting here and waiting to find out if Finn was okay. I know that’s no excuse. It’s just… it’s what happened. I’m sorry, General.”

Leia sighed heavily.

“I understand,” she said. “It doesn’t make what you did right, though. And it doesn’t mean I’m not still furious with you.”

“I know.”

“Now, you and Finn need to go to the med bay.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Rey, Rose,” Leia said. “If neither of you are injured, I need a briefing on the mission.”

They all parted ways, Rey and Rose following Leia to her study, and Finn and Poe heading for the med bay. As soon as they entered, they were swarmed by a flock of doctors. Poe held his tongue as the nurse berated him for running away the whole time she examined him. He deserved it. He didn’t regret what he did, but he was still acutely aware of how close he’d been to getting them all killed. 

When at last the doctors had finished tending to them and dispersed, Poe and Finn turned to look at each other. Neither of them said a word. The last few weeks had been long, agonizing, and uncertain. But now at last, Poe felt he was truly home.


	26. Catching Up

Finn was exhausted, every cell in his body ached, and yet he couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t that he was tossing and turning or scared of nightmares. It was that he couldn’t bring himself to sleep, because if he did he might wake to find that it was all a dream – that he was still in the hands of the First Order, that Poe was still dead. 

He rolled onto his side, wincing a little. Poe was fast asleep, peaceful and content. It was enough for him to just be home, and to have Finn home and safe. He didn’t fear the reality check that may come with waking. Finn sighed and watched the gentle rise and fall of Poe’s chest for a while. He was there, living and breathing, just a few feet away. Finn wanted so desperately for it to be real, but he had fallen in and out of consciousness so much these last few days, he truly didn’t know if he was dreaming. It seemed too good to be true.

Finn jolted a little, blinking hard. He’d nearly nodded off. He was so exhausted, he knew he wouldn’t be able to fend off sleep much longer. But he still wanted to cling to this, if it was a dream. Seeing Poe’s face again, hearing his voice, kissing him… it was all he’d wanted ever since Poe’s ship went down. And yet his eyelids kept sinking shut like they were weighted, and soon he drifted off into a sleep deeper than any he could remember.

 

Finn woke with a start, his heart racing. He sat up way too fast and nearly blacked out. Once the dizziness subsided, he glanced around. This wasn’t a First Order cell. It hadn’t been a dream. It was real. He turned to his left and his heart soared. Poe was sitting up in bed, eating breakfast and watching Finn with a look of fond amusement on his face.

“You’re here,” Finn said breathlessly.

“Of course I’m here,” said Poe. “These damn doctors won’t let me leave.”

Finn grinned.

“I see dying didn’t take away your sense of humor.”

“I can only think of a few things that could,” Poe said, his expression sobering a little. But the moment passed quickly and he smiled again. “So, how are you feeling?”

Finn shrugged.

“Still tired but I’m glad to be home. And I’m glad _you’re_ home,” he said.

“Me too,” said Poe.

They were quiet for a little while as one of the nurses brought Finn something to eat.

“Well, I guess we’ve got some time to catch up,” said Poe. “It’s been a while.”

“Too long,” Finn agreed.

“So what’s been happening around here while I was away?”

“Not a lot,” said Finn. “Or at least, not much that I was aware of. I was… a little distant.”

“Sorry,” Poe said quietly.

“Don’t be,” said Finn. “You couldn’t help it. Anyway… things were pretty quiet around here. Thinking you were dead, it was… rough for a lot of us. Mostly everybody just did their jobs, trying to rebuild the Resistance. I didn’t do much for a while… got to know your squad mates a little better though.”

Poe smiled a little.

“I’m glad. I was hoping you guys would get acquainted.”

“They’re great people. I can see why you love them so much.”

“Leia said they were searching for you nonstop when you got captured.”

Finn bit his lip, overwhelmed by emotion. He hadn’t realized just how much Black Squadron had come to care for him.

“How did that happen, by the way?” Poe asked. “Rey told me you were on a mission and things went sideways.”

“It was supposed to be an easy mission. It should have been,” said Finn. “We were just aiding a town that was under First Order occupation, and Sura was recording so we could get the news out that the Resistance is still here. But… there was this family living in their bombed out house and this little girl asked me to bring her father back. And then in the town square, the troopers were beating this man… I don’t even know if it was the girl’s father or not, but he’d been trying to escape and… I couldn’t just stand there and watch. But then the troopers recognized me and they dragged me away.”

“To a prison camp,” said Poe. “I didn’t even realize the First Order had those.”

“They didn’t when I was with them,” said Finn. “This must’ve been a new installation.”

Poe glanced away, looking uncomfortable.

“Kylo Ren… he didn’t hurt you, did he?” he asked.

Finn shook his head.

“They’d only just called him in. None of the others could get anything out of me. It’s lucky you guys came when you did, or else the First Order would’ve found out about this base and probably a dozen other things…”

“Ah come on, you coulda taken him,” said Poe.

“You couldn’t resist him, how could I?”

“You broke through years of their conditioning. You could’ve fought him,” Poe said. “I’m glad you didn’t have to, though. Having him in your head is hell.”

“So, what about you?” Finn asked. “How _did_ you survive?”

“Everybody assumed it’s a gaseous planet, but there’s really just a thick cloud layer protecting the surface,” said Poe. “I crashed and had to fix my ship before I could get back.”

Finn gave him a skeptical look.

“That's it?”

“Well… no. But it’s not a very pleasant story.”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay,” said Poe. He hesitated a moment. “I only had enough food and water for three days. I managed to stretch it, but… I was starving and dehydrated by the end. The air quality was terrible; it isn’t a gaseous planet, but the clouds _are_ all gas, and I was breathing that in for two weeks.”

“That’s why you’ve got a cough, isn’t it?” Finn said.

Poe nodded.

“I’ll get better, but… I really shouldn’t have been running that much. Or at all.”

“No wonder everyone was mad at you for stowing away.”

“Yeah…”

Poe fell quiet, fidgeting distractedly with a corner of the blanket.

“There’s something else,” said Finn.

“No… kinda…” Poe said. “Okay, yeah. But it… it’s not pretty.”

“Look, you don’t have to tell me. I get things being too hard to talk about.”

“I know, but… I _should_ tell you…”

Poe hesitated again, clearly debating.

“I…” He closed his eyes, then shook his head almost imperceptibly. “I’m sorry. I can’t. Not yet.”

“It’s okay,” said Finn. “Whenever you’re ready. Take as long as you need.”

Poe turned to him with a grateful half-smile.

“Thanks, Finn,” he said. “I really appreciate it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They fell silent. Finn knew whatever was bothering Poe must be truly awful for him to clam up like this. But as curious as he was, and as much as it worried him, Finn didn’t press – Poe would tell him when he was ready.


End file.
